I had a delightful exchange with a person in, of all places, the liquor store.

It was warm and windy, and I decided to test my land legs today, so I walked to the store.  Usually at that store I encounter Telugu people from Andhra Pradesh, so as usual I whipped out my imperfect Telugu greeting.  The lovely girl at the counter let me know she was actually Muslim.  As she said it, we both unconsciously glanced around nervously to make sure no one was there!  I said, “Oh, I’m Jewish, that’s cool!”

Then out of nowhere she spontaneously said “You’re beautiful!”  I did a double-take and protested, “Wait, what? You’re beautiful, not me!”  She insisted it was me.  We did that for a couple of seconds back and forth.  She must have seen something internal, because it sure as hell couldn’t have been my external appearance.

So then it was only right for me to whip out my few Arabic expressions, “Salaam Aleikum” and “Inshallah”.  She used the latter in a sentence for me–“Inshallah (if it be G-d’s will) you will return to the store!”, to which I concurred.

That’s the kind of unexpected interactions that happen to me sometimes, in otherwise mundane situations, and make my day.  My life never ceases to amaze me.

I almost forgot to mention, I had finally broken down and decided to get me some Johnnie Black as a belated birthday present to myself, so an all-around auspicious occurrence.  Now I will drink to it.  Whatever “cheers” is in Arabic.

I spent erev and overnight at Avdi’s.  I’ve been feeling really fatigued and out of it.  I made challah as usual, but kept the meal unusually simple for a Shabbat—tacos with all the fixings.  I also wanted it to be something everyone would like.  Only, I couldn’t eat, myself.  I just sat there, enjoying my funny family.

Then I actually went to bed before everyone, but of course couldn’t sleep half the night.  Then I made up for it, with some surprisingly graphic dreams, even for me..  (I think just reading this boring post would cure anyone’s insomnia.)

In the morning, Avdi took E to CRC services.  I planted another seed flat downstairs, this time tomatoes.

It was warm outside, with flowers blooming everywhere, but mostly all I could do was slack off.  Later, E got out and tilled the garden some more, while I “supervised”.  I did a few minor cleanup things around Percy’s grave and the herb beds, just to feel like I did something.

Avdi drove me home, where I finally ate something and mostly sat around like a zombie, waiting for drug-time to come around!  Yes, this is what it’s come to!  JK, I’ll be back.  It takes more than a couple of setbacks to keep me down for long.

As it turned out, I temporarily came out of isolation to attend the sad family funeral of Percy the guinea pig.

He was really K’s pig, providing security and support for his autism as well as a companion.  K was deeply heartbroken by the loss, and I found I was close behind him, having gradually gotten to know and appreciate Percy’s company down in K’s basement lair.  To me he was a person!  K is rarely witnessed crying and distressed, like myself, so we were grieving his loss as well as Percy.

We all (including Jess) gathered outside where Avdi had dug a small grave where Percy used to like to hang out with K.  Each of us contributed a few words or an offering of foods or items to send him off, then we buried him.  Avdi and I even said Kaddish together.  K stood there for a long time, heartbroken and withdrawn.  He lost more than a pet.  I could empathize.

Later, Avdi made a wonderful meal of Asian steak and vegetable kebabs over jasmine rice.  I took some down to K, whose weekly meal request it had been, and he was able to eat.  I cautiously ate my first actual meal in a week of feeling wretched.  Mostly I just sat there exhausted, but glad for the family company.  We were all sad and subdued together, even S.  Joyce came over with flowers and cheered us up as always.  She drove me home and got to see my apartment for the first time.

I forgot to mention in all the bereavement, E and Y had tilled and cleaned up debris in the veg plot while I was gone, which was appreciated.  Also, most of my little green baby veggies are coming up enthusiastically downstairs.

Now back to my recuperation so I can rejoin humans for erev Shabbat.  This latest onslaught of unrelated painful afflictions really took it out of me.  This aging thing really sucks.  Not for the squeamish.  But it only makes me want to come back more.

This was another lost week for me.  So of course we have temps in the mid-80s.  I haven’t been outside in like a week.  I won’t go into the medical details, but I had two unrelated conditions involving extreme pain and swelling.

I was finally able to wrestle the evil CVS out of one bottle of amoxicillin, which I desperately needed.  They didn’t make it easy.  After many complicated transactions and failed delivery orders, they finally got it to me.  The irony is, the med itself was free to me, but the delivery charge(s) were ridiculous.

I hate being so fraught with ailments and not being available to help out, but I’m useless in this state.  I even had to cancel one of my Dr. appointments.  But I love having my own private apartment (and bathroom) to recover in.  It’s a luxury.

Not much else to tell.  At least my orchid is not sick!

We’ve gone from igloo weather to early spring flowers busting out in just a few short days.  Tonight will be 38 ° and tomorrow 73°, in case you doubt STL’s claim to fluctuation.

I’ve planted a few more indoor flats of veggies, which are already popping up.  I’ve alerted The Avdi’s crew to the opportunity to make money rototilling the garden.  If those aren’t signs of spring around the next corner, I don’t know what is.  I’ve made up my mind to live to see it!

Due to several complications, the kids may not be spending the whole summer either at camp or their Mom’s, which throws another wrench in the works for Avdi.  I may have to conjure up endurance for the both of us.  No respite for the weary.

Since my last post, we’ve had:

An igloo built by the kids and Avdi;

A charcuterie/ family meeting, or, how to bribe kids;

Veg seedlings coming up and more seeds planted in the fine new Avdi-built prop extension;

A visit to the Zoo, featuring the all-important sleeping Capybara;

And other stuff I can’t remember.

***

I usually don’t talk about my personal inner life much, (or post selfies), but here goes.

Throughout all the above, I’ve been going through a very strange grieving process, for someone in my past who it turns out died years ago, and I never knew until recently.  The only way I found out was through a series of ever-intensifying dreams, unlike any others, which led me to look them up online and see the old obit.

It was a blow to my psyche.  I can only describe how I feel as despondent and helpless over the irreversibility and finality of it.  I had distanced myself from them long ago, another of my many burned bridges, so the chance of knowing in time to–what?, express empathy, say goodbye?–would have been slim and awkward.  Yet I feel deeply sad, for them dying in discomfort, probably not surrounded by many loved ones, and for myself.

I can’t go back in time, and I can’t reach closure.  I can’t fix what was broken, and what’s been lost.  It’s an extremely surreal, lonely, and guilty feeling.  Honestly, I didn’t miss them until now.  I think I need grief counseling or something stronger!  Or at least some like-minded peers to talk to.  I’ve lost other people in my life, and grieved deeply, but this one took me by surprise and totally threw me.  I can’t shake it.  I can’t find any meaning in it.

And now back to the dependable, boring programming you’ve come to expect.

Avdi took me out to Gian-Tony’s on the Hill for a birthday dinner and drinks.  We actually got to sit in quiet ambience and talk and enjoy a meal together.  We even had tiramisu!  Thanks to Jess for taking care of the details and watching the kids.  It was a wonderful evening.  At home, E had baked me a perfect doughnut and made me a bracelet, K gave me cookies, Joyce came over and gave me a cake she had baked, and S offered to be my “servant” the next day!  Then I spent the night.

Erev didn’t quite come together as planned, due to some incidental circumstances, but E came to the rescue and salvaged the situation on their own initiative and insistence.  They even kindly listened as I shared a sorrowful personal discovery that shook me deeply.  A friend I used to be close to but lost track of had died of diabetes six years ago, and I only just found out because of a weird series of dreams.  It felt like a gut punch.  Out of nowhere I found myself crying, which rarely happens anymore.

It actually snowed all day.  The kids were all home for a long weekend, so it wasn’t technically a snow day, but they still enjoyed it.  I ended up just hibernating downstairs all afternoon, trying to process.  Meanwhile, a miracle happened.  E baked their first challot, which were excellent, and cooked a whole perfect dinner of fish, potatoes and salad, which were on the table right in time for Shabbat.  They are an amazing person.  I was so impressed and proud.

That strange cake-looking thing Avdi is contemplating at the restaurant is actually a giant stuffed artichoke…appetizer!

And I’m not even referring to the actual terrifying news of another mass shooting practically in our backyard, the nazi-esque slaughter and genocide in Gaza, the nuclear space bombs Russia is developing to shoot down satellites, or even the case of Bubonic Plague (?!?) in Oregon.  What century am I still living in?!!  My nightmares are more enjoyable.

No, I refer to a typical mundane day in my life (even on my birthday) trying to search for basic assistance to survive.  Here’s today’s example:

Bad news: ACP (Fed. Affordable Connectivity Program under Biden) is probably ending in April, due to stupid repugs, so millions of poor Americans like me won’t be able to afford necessary internet connections that we depend on.

Good news: I qualify and was approved for Lifeline, a related but lesser internet assistance program.

Bad news: Spectrum doesn’t accept Lifeline (?!)

Good news:  Because I’m still on ACP until it ends, it turns out I qualify for a lower, more affordable Spectrum plan, which I immediately switched to.

If you substitute LIHEAP (the state energy assistance program I was on) and Ameren, you pretty much get an almost identical story.  Once again, stupid repug technicalities disqualified me, as they did with Medicaid, SNAP, etc, and I haven’t found an alternative yet, so I just switched to Ameren budget billing, and keep it even colder.

Bad news: My SSA net income raise, after deducting a higher premium for the essential dental I need, is actually lower this year, so I just break even.  I just keep jerry-rigging a system that will keep me above (or at) water level, and as self-sufficient as possible, so as not to be another burden on my son, who can’t afford it.

Good news: I’m getting medical financial assistance through the Mercy network, so that definitely helps keep the medical bills down.

Bad news: I have leukemia, for which traditional treatments (and some cancer assistance) don’t apply.

Good news: Because I have cancer, my food situation, thanks to a non-profit, Food Outreach, and a family member, is taken care of for now.  And I’m getting free rides to doctors through another great charity, Shepherd’s Center.  The drivers often refer me to yet other local charitable orgs for assistance with needs, or I share my info with them, so that’s a bonus connection.

Last but not least good news: my son is taking me out to a real Italian restaurant on the Hill for my birthday.  Through Jess’s help he was able to free up time.  So I guess you could say the Goods outweigh the Bads every time.

PS–Bad: I didn’t get to play with all the toys in this therapy room, just stare at a huge screen with disco lights while doing head exercises (vertigo treatment).

Good: my orchid is happy it’s my birthday.

1. The first crocus of the season.
2. The first indoor seed-sowing .
3. Erev my birthday.

Yesterday at A’s, I planted the first three flats in the prop. station: leeks, scallions, cilantro, two varieties of broccoli, kale mix, pak choi, collards, and tatsoi (bok choy).

First crocus sighting is always happy.

My birthday, maybe not so much, but at this stage it’s an accomplishment just to keep living.

In less good news, S once again got suspended (from half days!).  Apparently he got aggressive and had to be restrained.  Ironically, at home he’s been improving on self-regulation, voluntarily doing routine self-care he normally goes to pieces over, and playing outside for hours.  He’s less disruptive during work hours and somewhat more respectful of personal boundaries.

At this point it’s repetitious to say I returned to spend the night at Avdi’s again, because it’s where I spend most of my time.  This time, Avdi and Jess got to go out for a much-needed respite.  The kids and I seem to have found an agreeable, mostly calm accord.  If someone needs to go have a meltdown or be to themself, I take it more in stride, or just wait it out without interfering.  They seem fine with me being a fixture there.

Yesterday (Sunday) was household tasks and organization day.  Avdi and the kids worked on assembling more furniture for organizing their room, so they have more space to work with under their lofts.  Down the basement, I mixed seed starter and filled peat pots in flats.  Avdi assembled some shelving down there for more storage, and I organized the prop area, while he prepared to set up and expand the space for grow lights and heat mats.  Pretty soon it will be ready to begin sowing.

Later we had Sunday evening charcuterie and a family meeting around the table to pick out favorite meals for weeknights, and finally sort out everyone’s belongings that had been piling up.  There was some resistance as usual, but eventually the goals were accomplished, with some amusement.

The days have been warming up a little, and S has been spending lots of time in the afternoons playing outside, with me or the neighbor kids, or alone.  He’s starting to take more initiative to manage basic tasks without meltdowns or resistance.  He even offers to help me sometimes.  It’s encouraging to see him learn to be more functional and appropriate, with the help of tweaking the meds.

Y has been very moody and adversarial (probably exacerbated by hormonal changes), interspersed with manic playfulness.  I try to just be pleasant and sensitive, or just stay out of their way.

I can almost sense the end of winter just over the horizon.  Then I’ll be busier (or deader) than ever!