Since my last post, we’ve had:
An igloo built by the kids and Avdi;
A charcuterie/ family meeting, or, how to bribe kids;
Veg seedlings coming up and more seeds planted in the fine new Avdi-built prop extension;
A visit to the Zoo, featuring the all-important sleeping Capybara;
And other stuff I can’t remember.
I usually don’t talk about my personal inner life much, (or post selfies), but here goes.
Throughout all the above, I’ve been going through a very strange grieving process, for someone in my past who it turns out died years ago, and I never knew until recently. The only way I found out was through a series of ever-intensifying dreams, unlike any others, which led me to look them up online and see the old obit.
It was a blow to my psyche. I can only describe how I feel as despondent and helpless over the irreversibility and finality of it. I had distanced myself from them long ago, another of my many burned bridges, so the chance of knowing in time to–what?, express empathy, say goodbye?–would have been slim and awkward. Yet I feel deeply sad, for them dying in discomfort, probably not surrounded by many loved ones, and for myself.
I can’t go back in time, and I can’t reach closure. I can’t fix what was broken, and what’s been lost. It’s an extremely surreal, lonely, and guilty feeling. Honestly, I didn’t miss them until now. I think I need grief counseling or something stronger! Or at least some like-minded peers to talk to. I’ve lost other people in my life, and grieved deeply, but this one took me by surprise and totally threw me. I can’t shake it. I can’t find any meaning in it.
And now back to the dependable, boring programming you’ve come to expect.