I gave E the “talk” about passing on the garden torch STS.  I apologized for being so territorial. He understood how it’s my one “thing”.  I gave him a whole pile of seeds to experiment with–flowers, herbs, and veggies.  He immediately got to work on the “secret garden”.  Later I found a covered flat started on a heat pad under lights downstairs.  I’m glad I can be an influence for good, and learn to let go.

It was such a gorgeous cool day, after storms last night.  I hoed the whole veg garden by hand, then planted four kinds of cucumbers.  Loucious played frisbee with E, K, and me.  Avdi went out for the evening with Allie, while I stay late or overnight.

My dreams continue to be disturbing.  I feel like I’m being faded out as I’m aging and dying, while others move on with their lives.  Like I’m becoming invisible and being shut out, so I need to shut down first.  But that’s a trap, and I won’t give in to it.  Even if I’m alone.  I know how to do alone.  I just escape to my dream real life, and be who people need me to be while I’m still around.

Allie has been in town, and we’ve all been shuttling kids back and forth, especially for E and K’s latest theatrical production, the musical Urinetown.  E played Mr. McQueen, and K did spot op.  Avdi, Allie, Y and two friends, and I attended the final night.  It was so well done!

I continue to be more impressed with these kids’ talents.  It’s appropriate that my first time seeing some of these plays has been at WGHS, directed by the infamous Mr. Schaefer (apparently no first name), not on/off Broadway, and it was more than adequate.  I hope some of these kids do go on to become professional actors.

Erev Shabbat was a quick improv, as we were all headed out early, so I made this fish stir-fry with jasmine rice.  I seem to have found the secret to growing happy cilantro!  Start it the fall before, in a sheltered place, and it explodes come spring.

E just asked if he can use some seeds to experiment in the “secret garden”, which is good.  After I got over my initial proprietorial reaction, I agreed to share some seeds (I’m getting better!).  He did ask first; Y is still getting over the remorse of not asking first, even after I happily planted all his plants in a specially prepared flower bed for him.  I realize I need to be passing the torch to them, especially since they’ve shown an interest.  It’s better to collaborate and let go.

Speaking of, time to go get myself back to the garden and pass along some seeds to the next emerging gardener.

I’ll cut to the chase.  I saw my first toad here, in the shade natives garden.  It sounds trivial, but it’s not. This is a good first sign of things going in the right direction.

On the way back from the dentist, I just happened to be going past VP and got some snap dragons for Y, who had expressed interest in them.  I planted them with Y’s flower seedlings on the outer side of the veg garden.  He seemed to like it.

My therapist has to routinely ask me if I want to commit suicide.  I used to think about it a lot, but now I want to live for however long I can.  How can I die while there’s so much beauty in this world, despite all the evil people trying to destroy it?  I’d like to live to see them be held accountable for all this injustice and pain.  I guess I’ll just have to stick around.  Sorry if you were waiting for me to give it up.

It rained today, and all gardens and gardeners are happy.  I ran an errand for Avdi, then had to stop by Value Plants, as it was right on the way!  I acquired another major plant on my wishlist, pink bleeding heart, and while I was at it, a yellow mini-rose.  The lady at checkout knows me and my garden creds now, so she gave me three free purple pansies!  Later on there will be all sorts of freebies.  So if you’re a plant nativist, this post is not for you, please disregard!  Sometimes I stray.

Then I happily planted things in the rain!  The bleeding heart went in the hosta garden, appropriately.  The pansies went into Y’s rock garden and one of the porch beds.  And the little rose initiated a project I’ve been planning for a while, a little rose garden for Y out front.  I began the digging process and mulched with leaves.  VP will get large roses soon, so I can add on to it.

I also took some coral honeysuckle cuttings and started a prop experiment for Angela next door.  I think this time I may get it right.

Since it was raining, I re-seeded the bare places in the lawn.  At least there is less lawn and more natives each year.

Irises have begun blooming!  It’s going to be Iris-O-Rama soon!

So I was sitting here on my laptop, with Loucious, when out the window across the street I saw our neighborhood herd of deer grazing!  There were at least three or four large does, happily munching away.  I’m sorry for the poor photo quality, as I was in a hurry to snap pics and my camera can’t seem to make out distance, just like me.  But you can get the idea.  It’s just as well Loucious couldn’t see them, or he may have started herding them!  Deer aren’t as overcrowded here as in MD, so it’s more of a novelty to see a herd practically in your front yard.

Today Avdi helped me set up the grocery list and order process on my laptop so it went more smoothly.  Then I picked up the order at Aldi.  I wasn’t stressed out like the first time.

It was like 90º out.  In April.  But I’ve hardened myself off along with the seedlings, so I’m fine with it.  It’s actually hotter in the house, since we’re cutting back on utilities a little.  But I do that at home, so I’m somewhat used to it.  I spritzed the plants, the dog, and myself.  He loves getting hosed!  I’m starting to bring some tropicals outside now.

Sunday evening charcuterie meeting was out of the ordinary.  After the usual business, Avdi presented a slide show summarizing concerns about the current financial state of the household and business, and laid out more ways we need to cut back, budget, and get on top of it.  There will be more on that later on.

Monday I ran errands for Avdi, and did garden work.  I planted the new raised bed with the “three sisters”: corn, beans, and pumpkins/winter squash.  Now we wait and see what comes of it!

I also planted more globe artichokes in the miscellaneous perennial flowering medicinal herb/veg bed, poppies in the prickly pear bed, and moved Y’s flower flats to their outer veg destination.  I was able to provide Avdi with a salad lunch featuring garden lettuce that wintered over.

Since we’ve had to put off our monthly “date” for weeks, Avdi suggested on the spur of the moment that we go grab a casual drink nearby.  Jess brought over pierogis for the kids.  We checked out Chilanguita Mexican Kitchen on Chippewa, and drank gorgeous margaritas on the windy patio.  Mine was made with fresh rose petals and had an actual rose on top!  Despite Avdi being exhausted and preoccupied, it was a nice way to unwind for a little while.

Back at the house, Avdi and Jess sat out on the patio, while I readjusted blinking light strings.  It was like a summer evening.

Yesterday Jess and Eric took me to see “Project Hail Mary”, amaze amaze amaze happy happy!! Fist my bump!!  I haven’t been to an actual movie in a theatre in decades, and I’m glad it was this one.  I dare you to come out of that movie not encouraged to keep living.

Then I spent the night at Avdi’s and of course couldn’t sleep most of the night, though it was very quiet.  This morning I got up, caffeinated, and went outside.  It got up to about 80º, gorgeous and windy, then misted up a little later, as I was finishing up  garden work.

I direct-sowed a lot of flowers, in a lot of beds.  Shade wildflowers, marigolds, nasturtium, cosmos, amaranthus, and sunflowers.  Then straw-mulched and watered. I also re-hoed around the veg garden for Y to plant his flowers.

I drove over to Value Plants to see if they had purple coral bells, which they did, so I brought it home and planted it in the hosta garden.  If you’re going to have hostas, which were here before us, you must have dark purple coral bells!

So many new flowers keep blooming!  I’ve worked hard to facilitate a mini-botanical garden, and it’s really starting to come together.  It’s now almost to the point where I can somewhat sit back and just let everything grow in and take over.  That is, after I plant all the veggies and more flowers!

In between erev preps, I cleaned up the herb garden, planted some basil plants, and sowed more herbs.  Now it’s looking more like an herb garden, less like a tangle.  A light misty rain started, and perfected the scene.

This was S’s final evening here, so I hung out with him a little after dinner.

After not sleeping most of the night, I got up early yesterday to line up for the opening of pop-up Value Plants just down the street.  As I expected, they had the first of the season’s affordable annuals and perennials, more to come later.  So I just got a few little annuals and splurged on a clematis which I’ve been wanting to get for the front arch.  It was hard restraining myself from jumping in and assisting the employees, it’s so ingrained!

Then I spent the morning installing little bursts of color here and there in the garden.  Hmm, instant gratification?  Even grownups are guilty.  I did use self-control.  I figure, it’s flower power therapy for the family!

I’m going to see the movie “Project Hail Mary” on Saturday, with Jess and Eric!!  I’m so excited!!

The rest of the day was just doing the usual chores in a tired fog.  Kind of how Avdi always feels.  S was very remorseful about his outburst the other day, and we got along fine.  Needless to say, Loucious is in doggy paradise with all the people to play frisbee or pile on the sofa with him.

I have some worries lately, what with more dental expenses and debt piling on, just when I thought I could catch up.  I keep trying to apply to Sunbit (like Care Credit), but they’re not making it easy.  Oh for a miracle windfall of money!  I hate having any debt.

Ironically, I’ve gotten my credit score back up to excellent, but somehow that doesn’t seem to help.  My medical and drug costs keep going up despite insurance and other assistance, so at this rate I’ll have to put off procedures and meds I need.  But not dental.  I intend to die with teeth and low debt!

Pesach ended while I was distracted, so it’s back to challah-baking with me.

Yesterday’s garden milestone was sighting a monarch on an emerging milkweed.  Sadly, the photo was out of focus, but I included it anyway for its significance.

Yesterday’s household low was getting rudely cussed out by S, after I made a nice spaghetti and meat sauce and salad dinner, because I momentarily repeated back his instructions incorrectly on how to serve it to him properly.  I guess it was the last straw, after various kids this week complained about not having their exact instant gratification demands regarding food complied with to the letter.

I know they have neural mental issues, but I still get fed up being on the receiving end of their disdain, especially when I go out of my way to fulfill their special requests.  I don’t expect gratitude, just a little civility.  My parents would have screamed and beaten us if we dared to be so presumptuous.  But it’s different times.

So I got angry, which I hate, and walked out.  I know Avdi didn’t need one more source of anxiety this week.  Now of course I can’t sleep, just when I need it.