I got to take two days of rest, which I really needed.  I’d be lying if I said I did nothing, though.  In fact, I got two big projects done that I’ve had to put off.

The first was my bookcases.  I removed the tchotchkes from the small bookcase, cleaned it, and moved smaller books to it.  Then I reorganized the large bookcase so it’s more logical, removing some books to give away.  Now my mind feels much less chaotic.

The second was my large plants area.  I moved the plants outside, gave them some rehab (along with me), cleaned up the room, and repositioned them inside.  In the process, I aired out the apt, sorely needed.  Then I turned on the AC for the first time this season, because it’s like summer out there.

I did less strenuous things, like continuing to delete computer apps, downloads, docs, photos, etc. that I no longer need or upload to iCloud, so I have more room.  I know that sounds primitive, but not everything uploads to my Google Cloud.  Still trying to figure it all out.

I still feel pretty congested, wobbly, and exhausted, but getting things more organized and downsized puts my mind right, at least.

I’ve recovered enough to do basic erev Shabbat preps.  The challah turned out perfectly, and the salad included greens from the garden for the first time.

It was one of those revolving door erevs, so we kept it simple.  E had his acapella performance at the HS, to which most of the family was going.  I wanted to, but with all the hacking and wheezing, also fatigue, I had to pass and go home.

Then typically, Y had missed the memo and had a friend over to do hair, after their school trip to 6 Flags, so I was called back to stay there until Avdi got home.  Loucious and I kept each other company, and he got more challah!

I didn’t do much in the garden except more weeding to liberate flower seedlings from the voracious green dragon.  I finished weeding the patio flower beds and the rock garden.  Much frisbee was played.

Gardening I did today:

• Prepped an area along the other side fence (near pool) and transplanted mint and ruellia from the poppy bed (next to the herbs) to it.  Then cleaned up around the poppies and planted lemon balm and lemon verbena plants.  (In the herb bed I had planted the lemon bush eucalyptus, so now it’s the lemony section!)
• Planted some annual vinca flower plants in Y’s rock garden and in one of the porch square beds.
• I temporarily placed the lithodora perennial (bright blue flowers) in the new planter.
• I weeded the square bed next to the veg garden and discovered the nasturtiums, coneflowers, and poppies I had seeded, plus black-eyed susan, all being overrun by the green dragon!
• I transplanted some bright annual flowers from that bed into other areas to get more sun.
• I was going to trim the huge cilantro and parsley going to seed, but I think I may just let them re-seed themselves.

I feel like I’m starting to catch up, after all the sick weeks.  Not quite out of the woods yet, but gardening helps me feel better.  L and I played a lot of frisbee.  We need some robotic sheep.

Whatever this is sure is persistent, but I’m trying to push myself.  I even dropped by VP and got a couple of plants.  In the garden, I had to pace myself and leave some stuff for another day.  But I got a lot done.

I used some old boards to make a boardwalk in the veg garden.  I turned the old fire pit into a large planter in the shade natives garden.  I transplanted the borage seedlings from the herb garden to the perennial apothecary garden.  In its place I planted a lemon bush eucalyptus plant.  In the hosta shade garden I planted a new purple heuchera.

E has been very busy experimenting with growing seedlings of all kinds in the “lab”, transplanting them to his “secret garden”, and constructing a poultry area and growing area with repurposed materials and lumber.  He showed me around and we talked shop; I was impressed with his resourcefulness and self-taught skills.

Avdi and I had postponed our monthly date to this evening.  We just ate nearby at Frisco Pub, because we were both exhausted.  I couldn’t even finish my excellent meal and beer.

It’s like Astrophage and Taumoeba (non-PHM fans look it up!).  This is only an analogy.

CLL [Astrophage] attacks and eats your blood cells that fight infection throughout your bone marrow, blood, lymphocytes.  Eventually your Sun goes out.

In this cancer, you’re supposed to wait and do nothing, monitoring blood test counts until certain symptoms and numbers indicate there’s been an escalation, or just kiss your ass goodbye.

But it turns out medicine has found some alt treatment options [Taumoeba, in our analogy] that can target, slow down, or possibly even kill (?) the evil cancer cells in the blood.   Sun maybe not go out yet!  Facts (not AI) you learn while sleepless in StL.

I was sleepless because a new symptom showed up last night.  Pain went from my (R) ear down to my neck/throat area, but not like a sore throat.  CLL cancer can affect the lymph nodes and glands in that area, or even allow a secondary cancer to get in, and that’s one of the first signs that intervention may be in order.

CLL is an autoimmune disease, so your resistance to infection is down, and severe viruses can’t be fought off as well.  I.e., do not get flu/COVID/ pneumonia.  My vax are up-to-date, but I just had two bad weeks of a COVID/ flu-type (non-diagnosed) infection, and now this.

This is an over-simplification of the disease, but you get the point.  I’m mainly logging this for my own reference.  I try to stay philosophical (fatalistic) about it, but sometimes it reminds me of my mortality.  I wish I had an Eridian (like “Rocky”) to interface with.

I finally ventured out of my quasi-quarantine to try to be useful over at the Avdi’s.  No one was home but Loucious, who had a lot to say about my absence: “You never call, you never play frisbee, WTF?!”  It was so pitiful.

I did some of the usual, then picked up Y, then came back home.  That was my day.  Pretty blahggy.

I’ve been so out of it, I forgot to mention that yesterday Avdi dropped by briefly to see how I was, the first time he’s been over in like years!  (It was mother’s day.)  He brought me some medicinal bourbon, which helped.

In case you noticed my absence, I’ve been sick.  I never did test for COVID, but based on symptoms, I probably had it.  I’m still recovering.  I’ve been revaxed recently, so it could have been worse.  Every time I try to get back to work, I get sicker.  Now I’m listening to A and resting, but we hates it!

A couple of days ago (hard to keep track) I had a (more than the usual) disturbing dream.  I’ll try to describe it.

Some friends and I were each undergoing different medical procedures that were somehow queer/gender-related and experimental/controversial.  Mine had some long unpronounceable name which I immediately forgot, as I did the reason for getting it.  It was vaguely to fix something mentally wrong with me(?).

There were two doctors involved, one a reputable white-haired lady that I trusted but couldn’t access easily, and one a younger hotshot male surgeon operating in a tall, narrow, square tower, each floor of which represented one of his specialties.  Too late I found out his methods turned out to be controversial.  I couldn’t recall either doctor’s name.

When I eventually started to come out of anesthesia, I could barely wake up, or move, or call for help, but I knew something was very wrong.  As I lay in bed helpless, a crowd of observers and interns crowded into the room.  The group included Avdi and friends.  No one was really looking at me, just talking amongst themselves, like I was just some medical exhibit but otherwise invisible.  I couldn’t establish eye contact with anyone, or communicate.  I felt desperate and scared.  Cut off.  Like irreversible damage had been done.

Then I woke up, feeling surreal and traumatized, and never really shook it off for days.  It’s like three days later and I still remember almost every detail and how it felt.  The existential dread of this dream felt significant and familiar, authentic and relevant.  Not the technical details, but the essence.  Like I’m not the same, after the procedure.  Being sick and semi-quarantined just reinforces the effects.

All my dreams tend to be memorably intense and complex, but this one was so unique and lingering, that I thought I’d try to journal it.  FWIW.  Any dream analysts out there?

I know this is all about me, and maybe that’s part of the issue.  I’m trying desperately to hold onto what’s left of my self, before I just fade out.  My significant others are, as it should be, moving on and busy resolving their own issues and challenges.  I’m genuinely concerned/ proud/ wanting to be part of the solution, not sure I am.  Trying to let go of my proprietary boundaries that keep me feeling relevant and validated, in order to accede/concede to the natural order of things, my family being capable and competent to carry on.  The rite of passage that requires a death of self.

Today I wasn’t doing so well, but I had motivation…laundry!  Piles and piles of backed-up laundry at the Avdi’s.  I was determined to get to the literal bottom of it, so I did.  I nearly got washer hypnosis!  Also ran a couple of dishwasher loads.

I watered the garden, then planted the new mini-rose in front near the other one.  Y and I watched the newly-sighted pipevine swallowtail caterpillars on the dutchman’s pipe vine.  They’re a striking example of native species that evolved together to be of exclusive mutual benefit.  There were quite a few of them.

Today was beautiful and cool out, and I was able to do a little more straightening up in the garden as well as in the house, but not too strenuously.  Mostly I stuck to the herb garden and patio.

The “crops” pictured are beets and milkweed!  The latter went crazy this year, and far be it from me to disturb it.  I’d rather have a crop of monarchs!

This would have been our “Mom date night”, but we decided to postpone until I recovered.

You know I’m sick when I don’t have the energy to shop for plants, but I thought just stopping by VP and looking for a few minutes in the rain would improve my state.  Actually, it helped, and I did end up getting a few fragrant herbs (which I could smell!), a mini-rose, and a solitary strawberry plant to be a mentor to my bare root babies.  Just doing that wore me out.

It was cold and rainy all day, but I mostly did indoor jobs for Avdi.  I put together the grocery list, put in the pickup order for him, straightened up a little, and picked up Y.  E showed me the chicken project and his blueprints for the secret garden; impressive.  While out there, I did a double take at the herb garden–suddenly it’s a jungle, from all the rain!  It looks like a real herb garden, except it’s running out of room!  I have some ideas for that.

In fact, the whole garden is taking off.  Meanwhile, down in the basement “lab”, E has taken over germinating and propagating from me, and transplanting seedlings to the secret garden.  He seems to have a real feel for it and focus.  Plus he can figure out how to build stuff.  I’m very proud.