so now that all that updating is out of the way, this happened: i finally did get to visit my family in PA.  still didn’t make it as far as MD, but that’s for another time.  there was yet another family member to meet in person, and a lot of good catching up to do.

lest i lose anyone at heartwarming grandkid stories, i’ll just say that for a FT caregiver who never gets out, this is not a routine that one takes for granted.  it’s a big deal.  and whenever you get the chance, you pack in as much q-time as you can, because the opportunities are few and far between.  so that is what i did.

memorable highlights: i got to spend actual time with my hardworking son, albeit mostly to do computer tech things, which is how i’m able to be posting on my own site here, among other feats.  and i got to take some side trips with my oldest granddaughter, which is always fun and full of music!  she’s an excellent driver, and i’m very proud of her.  also, my oldest grandson plays the didge, which is very cool.  and he got me more familiar with the sophisticated gaming he’s into right now.

now if all that isn’t positive enough, i don’t know what is.

i’m back, thanks to my son for setting me up with my own website to take out all my morbid frustrations on an unwitting—person? howling void? any hypothetical public i might have had was undoutedly lost at the first few posts, back on posterous when i first moved back to the Vortex Of Evil [voe]. if you’re that one determined person (or void), you know why! it requires a strong propensity to wallow in depression, mine or yours! or the world’s!

originally i just wanted an outlet to vent to myself, but also to practice writing for a pretend public. by now, i’ve gotten a lot of the ranting and venting out of my system, and it sounds monotonous even to me. it’s not the most endearing way to connect to fellow humans, or even aliens. people generally want to hear vacuous heartwarming stuff, not death, dying, desolation, go figure! and aliens would be like, humans are so cynical and depressing, let’s kill them! rid the universe of vermin!

hem. anyway… i’m thinking of branching out into less self-pity and more whatever else there is to talk about. i avoid political topics, leave that to the hysterical ranters and ‘experts’. also i’m no debater. i just know what i despise, and what probably has no chance of prevailing in this backward, regressive environment. there you have all i’m going to say on that subject!

so that leaves… um.  i’d say i’m out of practice being positive, except i never have been to begin with!  it’s new, uncharted territory.  famous last words.  every time i try this (hardly ever) my settings automatically revert to ‘dark and dismal’.  it’s where i live.  literally and figuratively.

i know!  i’ll just change the subject to music.  can’t go wrong there.  my granddaughter [gd] let me listen to her SP ‘oceania’ and i love it.  (does this sound too vacuous and heartwarming?)  she and i just happen to share the same tastes in music, so it works out well.  i add to her exposure to classic psychedelia, which she appreciates, and she introduces me to more new stuff that we both love.  i never got frozen at some music dead-end, as so many do, i just keep absorbing indefinitely, so i actually end up introducing her and other kids to their ‘own’ music!  cuz i’m cool like dat.

well that’s about all the happy stuff i can handle for one session, so i’m out for now.  stay tuned, if you’re even there.

here’s what the past week represented for me just in terms of memorial anniversaries:

my last day at my job in MD three years ago

two grandparents’ death anniversaries

the day i moved back here to NJ to caregive three years ago

the day i moved far away from my family and friends in PA/MD

the unveiling ceremony of my father’s grave one year ago

my best teacher/mentor/friend’s death one year ago

the second anniversary of my parents since dad died

the second father’s day since dad died

just a normal week in the life of an eldercaregiver.  i’m not even trying to be morbid, it’s just what it’s like here.  just marking off the losses.

for oldsters, a week is unusual if nobody close to you dies, or died.

what i miss most: getting to celebrate life events with living people, like my son and family and friends.  or just hanging out.

of all the above dead people, the one i miss most is my teacher, connie carlough.  it was she who embraced me and gave me hope when everything else was trying to stamp me out.  she was like a brilliant beacon of creativity that couldn’t be extinguished, that i looked to as a role model and incentive to keep trying, all those dark years.

has it been a year already since my Teacher died?  it boggles my mind that she could die.  some people just should not die, it’s wrong!  bad-wrong!  but there it is.  (miss you.)

i also notice that my last post, way back in february, was also an IMO.  is that all i write about anymore, death?  you’d think so.  it’s like an occupational preoccupation!

oh, and while i’m at it,  the one-year anniversary of dad’s gravestone unveiling just happened.  (plus the annual yahrzeits–death anniversaries–of two grandparents.)  aren’t you glad you checked in?

down in the dungeon, in the cask of amontillado room, with my faithful closet skeleton hanging out to keep me company, and other poe-esque décor, i’ve been stashing boxes of yard-sale junk, and cleaning out decades of filth and crap.  yes, that’s how i keep busy!  but at least i can go out in the garden and breathe relatively less toxic air, and not get shot.

meanwhile, my zombie of a mom just stands in her dark bathroom, staring.  but at least on drugs she no longer wails ‘die die die, i have to die today!’  over and over…

it’s not morbid, here…

see what you’re missing by not reading this blahg?  it’s like a poe wonderland.

this is actually me being in a slightly better mood.  it’s hard not to notice how crappy and violent the world around me continues to get, and how good i’ve got it, just by virtue of having happened to be born here, and not in, say, syria.  the world is one big game of chance.  there’s no sense or predictability.  one day you can be going along, conducting your life, and the next, the bottom falls out and the world is going to pieces.  so i can’t really complain if mine is merely depressing and anxiety-laden, instead of apocalyptic.  it’s all a matter of perspective.

well wasn’t that informative?  until next time…