There’s a beautiful tall white and green native annual Euphorbia (marginata) coming up all over the veg garden.  You’d never know by looking at it that its sap is caustic and the whole plant must be handled with care and gloves, or you can get burned.  Hmm, what botanical metaphor for real life could I be suggesting?

Yesterday was one of “those” days over at the Avdi’s.  Ironically it wasn’t so much S this time.  It started out fine; E accompanied me grocery shopping for A at two stores, and helped a lot.  I should say, I helped them!  We accomplished our goal successfully, stopping briefly at my apartment on the way home (E’s first time there).  We delivered the groceries, then things went downhill from there.

Y was in one of her common volatile moods toward E, sometimes erupting into yelling and hateful cussing.  I think she tries to compete with E and S for attention and validation.  Twice I cleaned up the kitchen after baking “projects”, and then another operation would start up.  I try to just stay safe out of the way with S while they conduct culinary experiments.  Actually, some good confections do result, and we get to sample them.

I was staying overnight so Avdi could get a rare opportunity to go out and unwind.  Turns out everyone else decided to stay up all night, loudly gaming or cooking up stuff in the kitchen.  S finally crashed on the sofa, and A went out.

After giving up on sleep downstairs while K did his noisy thing online all night, I crept upstairs to share a corner of the sofa.  That’s when the “squirrels” decided to amp up the volume and activity in the kitchen again, accompanied by clanging and loud talking.  We’re talking like 1:30 or 2AM.  I gave up on the sofa and crawled back downstairs, where K had finally subsided, and got a few hours at most, with some disturbing apocalyptic dreams.

Meanwhile, due to all the delays managing kid issues, Avdi was too late for his evening events, and had to turn around, come home, and stay up managing kids some more.  So both of us were exhausted and not ready for today.  He let me go home to rest up a little ’til later, something he doesn’t get to do.  I felt really bad for him, and not very helpful.

I’m sure eventually things will fall into more of a consistent routine, once the kids realize they need to fit into the needs of the whole household.  I admire Avdi for letting them feel free to try new things and take more responsibility.

Myself, I’m not good at dealing with the resulting chaos and disorder.  I grew up in a world of absolute discipline and sterility.  I’m also not good at taking command and delegated authority.  I had compliance and submission beaten into me for decades growing up, so I sucked at management, supervision, and taking initiative.  These kids fortunately won’t have that disadvantage, at least.  Self-discipline and impulse control will need some work, though!

Folks, word to the wise, having kids is a huge undertaking.  They are not mini-adults, or personal accessories.  It’s not like buying (or selling) a house or car.  It’s not a Disney movie, or the “American Dream”.  It’s a major lifelong process, with lots of pain, exhaustion, and loss of personal boundaries and mental health!  Be prepared to never be the same again, or at least to never get enough R&R.  The goal is to train stable, healthy adults who can eventually live responsible, free-thinking, interdependent lives.  All while trying to hold down full-time jobs to support all the expenses.

As clichéd as this will sound, I’ve come to believe it does take a village.  That is, in societies where many villagers or extended family are always around to pick up the slack, cultures seem to thrive and raise strong, well-socialized kids.  No one individual has the strength and time to do it all.  That whole rugged individualistic nuclear family myth is a load of crap, in my humble opinion.  In reality, people change and split up, and end up raising a whole herd on their own, while struggling to stay afloat financially.  And that’s not taking into account neuro-dev issues that have to be managed.  As naive as we hippies were, I think we were on to something about community.  It may be how we will survive and adapt to a changing world.

So much for catching up on sleep!  Here are some illustrations.

Well, they finally got me in the pool again!  Y and her friend and S and I had water battles all afternoon.  Finally, S got exhausted and went to take a nap.

I actually did some weeding in the veg jungle.  The weeds won.

Everyone seemed pretty subdued while I was there.  I did as many jobs as I could find, then drove home.

Sometimes I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing besides just being there, in case, or if I’m helping.  I’ll figure it out eventually.  I’m just fortunate to be able to be with my family.

Here’s the kind of trick you resort to to incentivize a dev-disabled autistic, gaming-obsessed kid to learn to control and contain his inner wild animal: Fortnite.  If he manages to self-control his tantrums and calm himself for x number of days, he’ll get Fortnite.  His fierce desire for the latter helps him to be more mindful and self-aware when the meltdown comes on, and choose a more appropriate behavior.  We’ll see how that goes.

I’ve also noticed that since the kids have come to expect Fridays to be the day I spend cleaning, baking and cooking for Shabbat, not spending as much time playing, S in particular has learned to manage and occupy himself better, without constantly glomming onto me for attention.  Just having a routine that he can depend on and anticipate seems to benefit him, even motivate him to help.  Shabbat dinner around the table seems to be working out more smoothly, as well.

Then there’s the added challenge of multiple dev-disabled sibs close in age constantly antagonizing each other into loud, dramatic altercations featuring vulgar insults and declarations of hate.  Shrieking, crying, self-pity, and hostility ensue.  Meanwhile, the older two just withdraw to avoid all the chaos and commotion, but it affects them adversely as well.  Sometimes the instigators actually need to be separated geographically, as was the case yesterday.  Y spent the afternoon with me at the apartment, which seemed to calm her down, if not bore her to death!

Then I came over theirs and we had pizza and I spent an uneventful night, while Avdi got to spend it elsewhere, which he needed badly.  We all need that occasionally, which is why I’m back at my apartment taking a break.  I’ve noticed it takes me longer now to wind down and just be here, not at everyone’s beck and call.  I also appreciate the time outs from being assimilated and swallowed by juvenile minds!

The extreme humid heat continues, interspersed with severe t-storms.  People here seem not to be bothered by it, but it wears you down.  Between that and the frequent kid meltdowns, it brings to mind some smelting furnace metaphor, where you’re reduced to your elements.  I can’t talk, because occasionally I get to go home and take a time out to recover.  I feel a little guilty about that; Avdi doesn’t get that luxury much.

In spite of all that, I feel like S and the others are making some progress working through their various disabilities, with help and guidance.  I can’t describe the tiny incremental breakthroughs, but they’re there.  Children with neural disabilities have to work extra hard to make the connections and modify their behavior accordingly.  When you’re around them for a while, you can almost see the bewilderment and turmoil shifting to self-awareness.  It takes a lot of patience and consistency.

Here are a few erev shots I grabbed on the fly.  The one of S playing lifeguard to Avdi, who had collapsed in exhaustion in the pool after a long day, says it all.  We also have the latest pretty confection by E, Frankfurt the Rabbit mowing the lawn, and the moment I’ve come to live for, drink o’clock (in this case a lovely lavender shade of G&T).

Another overnight, and another first–yesterday I drove Y over to my apartment (in J’s borrowed car) and we got to hang out.  It was a new experience for both of us, a little awkward at first, but then true to character, Y began a hilarious role play story involving giving birth to my skeletons (“The Skullies”), while I videoed and commented in the background.

The visit was part of an effort by Avdi and me to get S to back off a little from glomming on to me so intensely and monopolizing me all day.  It was getting to the point where S was shadowing my every move, he was getting so attached and dependent.  He needs a lot of attention, with his dev. disabilities, but he’s slowly learning to control and manage his extreme behaviors and emotions.

Meanwhile, E continues to create wonderful confectionary in the kitchen.  They seem to be quite gifted at it.  I suspect it’s also a kind of therapy.  They also like to harvest veggies and experiment with cooking for Avdi.  We all benefit from encouraging them!

An off-topic aside–the other day we were all watching a Spiderman movie with the character Miles Morales as the new Spiderman.  I commented that racists must have gotten all bent out of shape when it came out, as they did with The Little Mermaid.  The kids were like “why”?  When kids are raised without racism, it never occurs to them to think in those terms.

It’s been like a steaming sauna here lately, almost too unbearable to go outside for long.  Who needs Florida?!  But it’s great for flowers and veggies.  It’s like a jungle out there.  Here’s what’s cooking:

Lest you get the wrong idea, BDB&B is rated PG and stands for Birthday Beer and Badminton!  It was actually a pleasant day for it, too.  Lots of friends including kids showed up and hung out, swam, enjoyed the refreshments, and played badminton.  I was feeling a little out of it, but eventually got into the swing of things.

There were as usual some kid meltdowns, as it’s easy to feel lost in the shuffle of grownups being preoccupied, but eventually it all gets resolved.  Even I feel that way sometimes.

Here are some scenes.

Another first for me, though it won’t sound like much to most people, was to get brave and drive Avdi’s big red tank (SUV) to the grocery store!  It had to be done, or there would be no challah!  While at it, I was able to pick up some basic necessities of my own, thanks to Avdi.  The mission was a success.  I did not gun down one civilian.  No collateral damage.  Most of all, the challah and Shabbat dinner got made, and we had a pleasant meal together (aside from the musical chairs).

The kids have gotten used to the Friday routine by now, even S, so they kept themselves occupied mostly quietly all day while Avdi worked.  S’s meltdowns are getting fewer and farther between, with Avdi’s management and guidance, and hopefully my backup and support.  He even offers to help me, along with the “squirrels”.  I think Y is starting to back off on some of the malicious antagonism.  E wisely tries to stay out of it, or step in helpfully when they see a need.  K mostly stays to himself in his new lair downstairs, occasionally intervening when S gets too agitated.

E and Y often harvest root veggies and squash for me to prepare, so the meal was predominantly from our own garden.  Everyone seemed to like the result.  Even S is starting to try tiny portions of unfamiliar foods.  The challah miraculously keeps beating its own record of perfection, and is always the big favorite.  It was worth the scary tank drive to pick up eggs!

In the evening the three youngest kids rode along to drop me home, as the snow cone stand is on the way!  That was fun.  As it turned out, it’s a good thing I had today (Sat.) “off”, because I felt really unwell for some reason, and needed to sleep it off.  Maybe all the caregiving lowers my immunity or stamina.  I always feel a little guilty getting to take time out to recover, when Avdi doesn’t get to rest much.  But I figure if I die of exhaustion, I won’t be of much help to him!

Here are a few shots caught on the fly.  The garden seems to be thriving without me!

It was a big first–getting to spend Avdi’s birthday with him and the kids.

Naturally he had to work as usual, but then we took time out to go see the new capybara exhibit at the STL zoo.  It was his (and my) first time seeing one in person, a momentous occasion if you’re a fan.  It was so hot, most of the animals were splattered over rocks, or in water, or in their caves.  We saw lots of hippos swimming underwater with fish, and some adorable dwarf mongooses (not, it turns out, mongeese).

Then we had Avdi’s birthday with friends over, some good takeout Mex food, a tomato pie, an apple pie, some cake, and some gifts.  E had made some excellent confections from scratch.  I spent the night and most of today over, mostly watching Sé.  This evening Avdi, with Y and S, drove me home.  It was Y’s first time at my apartment, which she liked–a preview of things to come.

Uh…where was I?  I’ve been commuting back and forth on foot to and from Avdi’s to watch kids, but yesterday was a new milestone–S wanted to make the long trek with me to my apartment for the first time!

It was a hot, tiring walk each way for him, and Watson Road was indeed a scary speedway, but we made it.  He had a nice time watching stuff, eating lunch, and playing with stuffed animals and other toys on my bed (in lieu of a nap).  He was quite content for a couple of hours, before we walked back.

Meanwhile, in addition to work, Avdi assembled the second loft bed in E and Y’s room, with the help of Jess and Y.  E and I checked out the veg garden, which now has zucchini, straight-and crookneck yellow squash, cucumber, okra, and the beginnings of melons.  There are baby green tomatoes.

Last Shabbat I made southern-style collards and roasted carrots, turnips, parsnips, and peas, all from the garden.  Percy was happy.  Poor pig has been getting lost in all the shuffle, somewhat like his boy K, who’s trying to avoid all the chaos.

Of course lots of new flowers continue to bloom.  Sometimes I even get a moment to take pics.  Here are some random shots of some of the goings-on of the past…however long it’s been!

After a day off, which it turns out I really needed, I’m back.  Lots of baking by E and Y going on in the kitchen, and swimming in the pool.  I held down the fort while Avdi ran errands.  The heat index was 107 to 110, but at least there was a breeze.  I even planted or transplanted some more herbs, and watered the garden (and myself).

The long bean-looking pods are actually hanging from a huge catalpa tree out back.