You know this one’s going to be boring, because I’m at my apartment!  Read on, if you need a nap.

It’s, I swear, 90+ degrees out.  I can hear other ACs running.  But in my apartment, with climate control not even turned on, just ceiling fans, it’s completely comfortable (so far).  I’m hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.

As usual in MO, the unstable weather fluctuations make for severe t-storm watches later this evening.  That usually means a 50/50 chance or less of the garden getting watered, or getting relocated to Kansas.  No way to know.

The only gardening getting done here is some repotting of my mini-jungle.  Pretty soon I can start moving some plants out to the microscopic “patio”.  No room for an actual chair, but no reason either.

I have been getting reacquainted with my Gkids by texting, in preparation for their coming move here, so that’s one good thing.  One of my Gkid’s food tastes are so sophisticated, I have no idea what some of the things are!  Guess I’ll find out.

This evening is the shiva zoom, a gathering of family and friends from all over the country to say evening prayers and kaddish for my mother.  I’ve never experienced sitting shiva virtually or remotely, so no idea who or what to expect.

That’s life in the 21st, post-COVID.  Always something new to experience.

Obviously not much to say right now, so here instead are photos of the mini-jungle.  At this point, it’s mostly herbs for me, some lettuces, and some tropicals.  Somehow they keep multiplying (??)  At least my addiction is healthy!

This was a very full (of emotion) day.  Avdi and I went to CRC services, and said mourner’s kaddish for Mom.  I finally got to meet Rabbi Randy in person, and other congregants I’ve only ever met online or seen streaming, or had met once before.  I was literally embraced by strangers who offered condolences.  I almost felt like a part of a Jewish community, after all these decades away.  Here’s a photo of Rabbi Daniel and the drum guy tuning up before the service.  Also erev candles from last night.

Then Avdi and I checked out Left Bank Books, nearby in Central West End.  I’ve ordered gift books from them online for others, in order to support their social justice/queer work in the community, but finally got to do it in person.  It’s an excellent bookstore.  Avdi bought me a book I’ve really been wanting, the first installment of The Expanse, for Mother’s Day.  That should keep me out of trouble for a while.  They even had the obligatory friendly bookstore black cat, who let me take its picture.

Then we explored some of the streets and features nearby.  Lots of indie art galleries, eateries, clubs, and amazing old architecture and landscaping.  It was like being transported to another time and place, but with some obvious new changes happening.  St. Louis is nothing if not full of fascinating historical contrasts and culture.  The weather was perfect, windy with a sun shower.

Then we came back to Avdi’s and I watered the garden, which wasn’t as ravaged as yesterday.  The varmints probably got it all already.  But they didn’t manage to find all the first strawberries!  It’s only early May, but I’m starting to get a hint of how hot and humid it’s going to get here.  I’ll have to warm up to it gradually!

Since Mom’s death, I keep running into a recurrent theme: sometimes it takes a death to flush out and reconnect estranged/feuding/out-of-touch cousins, and it reveals a lot of unfamiliar/hidden family history, sordid or otherwise.  Death can have positive, or at least enlightening, side effects.  You learn all sorts of things you never knew, including about yourself.

I spent the night at Avdi’s, and will again tonight, so we can go to services on Shabbat to say mourner’s kaddish for Mom.  As usual, in the morning I found the garden had been ravaged by varmints overnight.  Probably raccoons.  As fast as I plant, they harvest.  They’re like garden thugs.  Kind of frustrating, all that work for nothing, but we press on!

I did the usual erev routine, preparing the meal (SW chicken, homemade cole slaw, and rice) and baking challah.  Avdi worked.  I drove over to my apartment briefly to pick up clothes, etc. and had a pleasant conversation with my landlord, who also had a recent death in the family, and commiserated.  He agreed that a death can bring out some bizarre facts about people, but also reconnect family.  His story was stranger than some I’ve encountered lately!

We’re in serious iris season now.  It’s hard not to take repetitious photos of them!  So ostentatious!  But we’re equal opportunity flower-lovers here.  Even the lowliest flowers are essential to nature’s world wide web.  Force one to go extinct, and the whole network suffers, including us.

I drove over to Avdi’s and immediately got to work.  I harvested all the remaining radishes, making room for pepper seedlings, which I planted in their place.  I planted the various varieties of basil plants in the herb garden.  Then Avdi helped me prep the areas in front of the veg garden for tomato seedlings, and we planted them.  All that’s left down in propagation is one flat of assorted tomatoes and peppers to divide between Avdi and Jess.

Speaking of which, when I was done with A’s garden, I drove over to Jess’s to make them an herb garden.  Eric had obtained the necessary soil amendments, which I dug into the designated area, then planted the seedlings I had grown for them.  I forgot to take a before shot, which was an overgrown weedy tangle.  I think Eric approved of the end result, which he agreed to water regularly.  Also here are some irises.

Pixie the Cat was being adorable again.  Here she is being walked outside by Evelyn on her harness, grazing on grass.

On the way home, I actually stopped at a (gasp) grocery store for a few necessities.  I used to take driving and shopping for granted.  Now it’s a novelty.

Robert has organized a shivah zoom for Sunday evening for anyone who wants to join, including family, friends, their synagogue, and ours; should be interesting.  Some cousins who haven’t talked for decades may end up on there together.  We’re both finding this death of Mom is reconnecting us to long-lost family members and family history.

I took a day off from gardening to just take care of business at my apartment.  I spent all morning on the phone and online, trying to find a periodontist in the area that takes my dental insurance.  What a chore.

You’d think you could just find one on the insurance in-network listings, but you’d be wrong, because providers never update their changes.  (One turned out to be an endodontist, a totally different animal.)  Plus it turns out having an HMO not PPO means most specialists are out-of-network, which I don’t have and can’t afford, or don’t take my insurance at all, including the three my dentist (who was likewise hard to obtain) referred me to.

I got this dental insurance intentionally because it covers so much comprehensive dental work like implants.  Ha.  Maybe it’s a Missouri issue.  I had no such problem with virtually the same insurance in Ohio.

Anyway, I appear to have found a periodontist who will hopefully be covered, though not that close to me, and not until September, but it’s something.  Then I had to fill out a dozen online forms for them.  I’m already tired of perio.

At this rate, I may die first, and not need teeth.  It seems to be a recurring theme, lately.

Tomorrow I’ll go back to what I’m better at, gardening.  I even get to add on a new project, Jess’s, where I’m going to make them an herb garden and other features.  Something I can sink my remaining teeth into!

Speaking of which, here’s a rabbit.

I spent the night, though Avdi was here with K., just because.  I’m not sure how much help or support I’m providing sometimes.  I’m still learning to get better at reading actual situations and not reading in my own assumptions,  interpretations, or “solutions”.  Most of the time I’m guessing at the lie of the land; I’m better at actual literal land.

Segue to early morning gardening.  I watered; then transplanted a big stand of daffodils from in front of the veg garden to elsewhere, so I could clean up and use that space later for tomatoes, etc.  One of the big bunnies was just sitting in front of me, mowing the lawn.  Free labor!  As I dug things up, the robins would swoop right in after me for food.  My crew.

I’m sure it will feel weird and strange for a while after Mom’s death, even though she’s been absent for a long time.  Though it’s harder when the loved one is still very much a part of your life, then suddenly gone, there’s still an existential void in this case.  All the more inclination to be around live family, while I can.  Only more unobtrusively if possible, while Avdi is distracted by work stress.

I even baked some cookies (chocolate oatmeal) while Avdi went shopping, that’s how domesticated I’m being!

As of now, I believe Mom’s burial has taken place in a proper and reverent manner.  We all are hoping to be able to travel and reunite for the unveiling within a year, to pay our respects.  It’s a strange, remote feeling, but at least Mom was taken care of appropriately, thanks to the efforts of my brothers, and a considerate rabbi.

I’m borrowing Jess’s car for the week, so I was able to drive to Avdi’s today and do lots of necessary garden maintenance, which helped keep my mind occupied.  It’s looking pretty orderly out there, and ready to receive tomato plants at the right time.  It’s better for me to be here helping Avdi out, so he can concentrate on work, but still have someone around.

When we picked up the car yesterday, Pixie the Cat was unusually sociable and playful, even talkative, so I got my kitty-fix in the deal.

It’s one of my Gkid’s birthday today, so there’s something happy to report.  Soon they’ll be joining us here, which is something to look forward to and plan for.  I think all of us are a little nervous about this major life change, but it will be worth it, I’m sure of that.

Alone in my apartment with my thoughts, I had to agree with what my brother said about our Mom: it’s like she actually died a long time ago, for us.  It just took a while for the remnant of her to catch up, I guess.  This is just the aftershock of an event.  Then comes all the recovery and sorting of fragments of a life, and paying off debts.

So I’m not in shock or distress so much as empty and sad.  I’ve had decades to prepare.  The time for healing rifts or closure is long gone.  Now it’s just the uneasy sensation of a real life dilemma in which immediate family members are not medically able to be there for even minimal funeral/burial arrangements, which must and will happen right away, with or without us.  It’s just a reality of our times.

I can see the wisdom in sitting shiva for a week with other family and friends, to help in the healing process.  It turns out I don’t do well rattling around alone in my apartment for long periods, even under normal circumstances.  Jewish tradition got this much right–people need a community or support system around in times of need as well as in good times.  My other brother Andrew is a case in point.

Maybe that’s why I’ve grown to identify with dogs of late–like humans, they are social animals who need a pack to feel a part of, even if the pack is their humans.  They love to please us, even grovel for it, to feel appreciated and approved of.  They don’t do well isolated in cages, or in chaos, just like us.  It’s unnatural.  They’ll get neurotic or even go stark raving mad.  Kind of like old humans consigned to facilities, away from loved ones, merely maintained.

This is not the case here, because my mother was taken care of by each of us in turn, and I know I have a loving family to turn to if things get tough.  Though it’s getting smaller by the minute!  I guess I was always more of a cat than a dog up until now, keeping to myself and doing my own thing for the most part, except when I made some very questionable human choices.  See how well that worked out!  Now I see that a well-functioning support pack, however unconventional, is the way to go!

For now, I’m just here, waiting to see how things play out, feeling unsettled and weird.  In the meantime, this was one of my mother’s favorite flowers, lily of the valley, growing at Avdi’s.

After taking in the latest sad news, and talking about it for a while, Avdi and I found a new-to-us park nearby, Powder Valley Conservation Nature Center, and walked around to air out and think.

Of course this outcome has been coming for a while, so none of us were taken by surprise or overwhelmed, but there’s still a sense of loss and feeling dazed.  Also a little panicked over what to do and how.

What makes it harder are the circumstances–both my brothers are medically restricted or incapacitated from getting around or taking care of arrangements in person, and it has to happen fast under Jewish law and customs; no time for a complicated family stampede across the country.

The hardest hit may be my brother Andrew, who was caregiver for years, and is now alone in that old crumbling house (for the time being) with no clue what’s next.

It was just a confluence of unfortunate events outside anyone’s control, resulting in my mother having to be buried unceremoniously (but respectfully), without family around.

We’re in a holding pattern right now, as immediate arrangements are made and carried out remotely by the appropriate authorities.  Lots for us to sort out and figure out (and pay for)… one step at a time.

My mother and I had an uneasy relationship for decades, but she was always there for us and for my son, even when things were tense or estranged with me.  Avdi has very fond memories of her and my father.  I have very mixed feelings, but mostly relief that she’s no longer sick and demented.  I would never want my own life to be artificially prolonged when I’m no longer functional or there.

The calendar may still say “no-mow-April”, but we declared it May for practical purposes; it was like a tall meadow out there, and Kashti likes money!  He didn’t even have to be asked.  We agreed I’d do the edges this first time to clarify the outline, and he’s do the rest and get paid for all of it.  It’s a gorgeous day out, and we like mowing.

Here are scenes from sundown yesterday, and this morning.  Which, I just found out, was when my mother died.  I’ve talked to both brothers, and need to go process now.