While I was home for a few days, S went back to school and immediately got suspended again, just before Avdi was to meet with school officials (yesterday) to figure out where to place S to receive more adequate supervised education.  Meanwhile, he’s home for five to ten days of moping around and driving A to distraction.  Way to go, school system.

Yesterday I went over there to do erev preps as usual.  S alternated between being happy, playful, and occupied, to suddenly out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, being seized by a fit of shrieking and extreme distress which nothing could calm.  It especially happens when he has to go to the bathroom, which is almost always a crisis.  When it takes over, it’s like he’s not there, and unable to control it.  Then just as suddenly, he’ll come out of it and resume laughing and playing, as if nothing happened.

Today, without much prompting, S volunteered some thoughts and insights on what he thinks might be going on.  He described quite articulately a disconnect between his front and back brain, in which a sensory or mental overload takes over and his higher brain functions can’t help him control it.  In the bathroom scenario, he imagines a threatening entity in there with him, violating his strong need for privacy.  It turns out he has similar fears to my recurring extreme bathroom nightmares, involving his privacy being invaded, in his case by this dark presence.  If he can distract his mind with thinking about creative interests, it’s not so severe.  But if his mind goes blank, the fears take over, and he’s totally out of control.  He says it’s not about physical discomfort or pain.

We actually have some good talks about life in general.  I’ve noticed he’s not repeating the same phrase over and over or hesitating as much to get to the point.  And his points seem more coherent and insightful lately.  When he’s not reverting to infantile or agitated behavior, which escalates as he gets more tired and stressed, it’s like having a mature conversation with a gifted mind.  As he trusts me more, he allows and displays more affection and confiding.  Hopefully he’ll be placed in a school with more capable people trained to help him manage and channel his reactive, destructive behaviors into positive, productive learning and empathy.

Shabbat preps went smoothly.  I got whimsical and made six “personal challot” this time, which the kids loved!  The meal was pleasant, and then it was snowing!  The kids and I went out to play, throw snowballs, and E and Y made gigantic balls for a snow person.  The snow was so wet and heavy, they couldn’t lift it.  Later E made hot chocolate for everyone and we watched “Barbie” again.  Then back outside!  Avdi and S drove me home, where I slept in like a zombie until almost noon!

S was clamoring for “Nomi” yesterday, so there I went.  He really missed me, it seems; he was all over me.  He seemed a little better to me in some ways, more articulate and less unstable.  The only time he melted down was when it was time for me to leave, and then he cried pitifully.  Well, OK, also when he had to go potty!

The others seemed pretty quiet and content.  K was back to his usual lair.  E had been baking up a storm, as usual.  Y (at the moment) seemed happy and not having screaming fits.  Avdi was cooking dinner, but actually took a few moments to talk.  He’s able to leave S home more often for short errands or driving me home.  Soon Avdi will meet with the school to figure out where S can be placed for more appropriate supervision.

Today my dentist did the full mouth scan for the perio implant construction project, starting next week.  It’s an exact realistic 3D photo of my teeth, amazing.  (He also did a filling while we were at it.)  I know, boring, but not to me.  Plus I’m a little schnockered from the anesthetics.  The only thing he didn’t provide comfort-wise was the margarita I ordered!

Here’s how I celebrated NYE: I slept through it.  I believe my son, now home with the kids, did too.  No more partying for us lone oldsters and single parents of juvie fiends.

My “vacation” featured mostly much-needed sleeping in, but that ends tomorrow, with the first of many early morning dental and medical appointments, undoubtably interspersed with childcare, throughout the coming months.

As for financial assistance, I lost or disqualified for half the things (I’m too “rich”!?), but did manage to qualify for some medical financial assistance and a food program (not state gov, of course), so that’s already kicking in a little.

The days are now getting a fraction longer, and I’m already starting to plan and preorder for the garden, so that’s something to look forward to.  This year’s garden should be more intentional and customized to the family’s preferences.

My “resolution” as it were is to stay alive and try to make my extended chosen family’s lives easier for as long as I can.

I waited patiently, and finally got my turn to see Avdi, as I knew I would, once he had luxuriated in child-free lounging.  He looked so much better.

We went out for craft beers and a bite at Perennial, a small brewery and eatery in Old Webster Groves, and caught up a little.  Then we adjourned to his house (so quiet!!), where we made a brandy Alexander, and then one of his more regionally-inspired creations, with gooey butter cake cream liqueur, crème de cacao, and vodka.  It sounds… questionable to the uninitiated, but it’s a great dessert drink.

I changed Percy’s cage (he was happy to see me), and helped Avdi assemble one of his challah bread puddings with creamy rum topping (a great way to use up stale challah).  Jess had arrived by then, and we all tried it.  Talk about a decadent alcoholic sugar rush!  Then they dropped me home.

Today I’ll probably do another abridged version of erev preps, for just the three of us, and then this weekend Avdi will be traveling to meet up with Stacey and return with the kids.  Then it’s back to where we left off in our drama thriller.

Update: I was getting ready to go to Avdi’s, when unexpectedly I had to do an hour-long interview with the state to determine if I had qualified for SNAP.  Not surprisingly I didn’t, after all that.  As usual, they think I have too much money!  Huh.

Then I went to Avdi’s and did the usual preps, only for the three of us.  Just for fun, I halved the challah recipe and made three personal challot!  They still came out huge!  I made salmon and tilapia, Brussels sprouts, and baby potatoes.  We had a nice quiet dinner talking, then cleaned up and helped Avdi pack the car for the long trip tomorrow morning.  He’ll stay with the kids overnight at a hotel in Columbus, OH.

Once again I’m back home.

I got to drive myself to get lab work done, and to get a few groceries on the way home.  Then I drove to Jess’s to return the car, get an overdue cat fix (Pixie was really into it today; Odin always is), and get fed by Eric and his new Scary Kitchen Droid.  Their kids were chilling and gaming.  Jess updated me on how Avdi’s doing (very well) while dropping me home.  I think we’re all enjoying the absence of  constant meltdowns and stress.

Psych–you were expecting my usual xmas throwing shade!  Nah, why dignify it?  Instead, here’s how I enjoyed my “just another Jewish day”.

I slept in.  F–it, I slept in some more!  My dreams lately have been riveting.

I planted and repotted plants, while letting in the warm rainy air.  Rain!

I played with fire, candles, incense, and sage.  Fi-uh!  (Rain and Fire, my Elements.)

I ate some leftover rice, the closest to Chinese I had on hand.

I poured the last of my saved amontillado, early.

I played favorite CDs, old-school-style, and danced like no one was watching, which thankfully they weren’t.

I thought about how in STL I reclaimed my version of Jewishness without feeling like an imposter.

I enjoyed spending time with myself.

I wrote this.

Erev preps: abridged version.  A frenzy of trip preps churned around me as I baked and “helped” i.e. mostly kept out of the way.

S was particularly hyper and agitated all day, alternating between extreme meltdowns and leeching onto me.  He got more panicky and dysfunctional as he got overtired, and I was worn out.  At one point, Y broke down over yet another personal item S had taken and damaged, but then unexpectedly turned around and offered to help S pack.  It was a rare, noteworthy gesture.

Eventually packing up the car was accomplished, taking time out to do the blessings and eat spaghetti and meatballs.  Avdi did a superhuman job of managing and supervising the whole process, despite being exhausted himself.

Jess, who will ride shotgun on the long haul to Ohio (midway) and back to hand the kids over to Stacey, arrived and loaned me her car.  I went home and collapsed and slept in.

They were to set out early this morning (five-ish).  By now they are hopefully almost there.  Once Avdi gets back and likewise collapses, he will be doing his own version of holiday reveling in blessed kid-free peace.  It’s overdue and well-deserved.

Happy Winter??

Once again S was suspended, and it’s become clear the school is pushing for placement in a more “appropriate” setting, since they can’t seem to manage his disability.  They practically sent a restraining order!  Now it’s up to them to work with Avdi to find a solution, hopefully one that keeps S able to integrate with “typical” peers but provided with more guidance and supervision.  Needless to say, this is one more layer of stress and distraction for Avdi.  I’ve been going over there to keep an eye on S, without making it seem like a reward or positive reinforcement for getting kicked out of school for destructive behavior.

Y is very similar to S, probably why they “hate” him.  They are hypersensitive and insecure.  They alternate between screaming tantrums, obstructive behavior, and sullen withdrawal.  Then sometimes they snap back into affection mode.  You never know what mood they’ll be in or how they’ll react to the slightest thing.  Still, they allowed me to take them to a tropical pet store to get terrarium supplies, their latest interest.  It’s always been one of mine, too, and I was glad but nervous to take them.  At the store, Y was very withdrawn, but between us and a salesperson, we successfully obtained the items, and they paid for most of it with their own debit card.  Positive experiences like that will hopefully build trust.

K and I seem to have a good understanding and similar sense of humor.  He remains apart from the others, but enthusiastically involved in school clubs and activities, and seems to be on a college track.  E and I have been getting closer, as they trust me more.  Both of their disabilities take different forms, not volatile and destructive, and not as incomprehensible to me.  I suspect E’s constant baking self-challenges and successes are one form of constructive therapy for channeling difficult emotions and insecurities.  When they take over the kitchen, it’s like a cornucopia of wonderful breads and desserts.  Then Avdi, not to be outdone(!), tries to keep up, and it’s like a patisserie over there!

The kids and Avdi are about to drive halfway to meet Stacey, who will have the kids for the rest of the holiday.  So erev preps will be abbreviated, as they get ready.  Then Avdi will get a little breather (mostly to work and take care of business without constant interruption).

Maybe the dream was a premonition, because it turns out, hundreds of synagogues across the country, including CRC, received bomb threats.  Apparently empty ones, but they brought in police with bomb detection dogs just in case.  Fortunately no trace was found.

Continuing on that morbid note, there’s a new film coming out, “The Zone of Interest”.  Just reading about it and watching the short previews was terrifying, the stuff of nightmares, but not what you’d think.  It’s based on a true story of a Nazi and his family moving into an idyllic home right next to Auschwitz in WW2.  You don’t see the atrocities going on in the gruesome concentration camp next door, but you hear the constant gunshots and sense it.

Meanwhile, the wife is happily showing off the plants in her garden.  You suspect human ashes from the ovens may be fertilizing it.  Some prisoners are forced to do housework for the family.  The children are looking at artifacts (teeth?) taken from victims next door.  Just by its understatement it’s a stark substantiation of how a whole nation of people can become complicit and complacent while hideous atrocities and genocide are committed by the government right under their noses.  Does that sound familiar?

I was afraid I’d have horrible nightmares just from viewing the previews, as one does coming from my generation, but instead I just lay awake thinking about the parallels, and how easy it is to become complicit in unthinkable crimes through being passive and nationalistic. We’re supposed to learn from history, not repeat it.  But human nature being what it is, it’s hard to feel optimistic.  Our kids are the ones who suffer when the adults who should know better are the perpetrators or enablers of hate and destruction.

(This is what happens when I’m left to my own devices without supervision!  I think too much.  I leave you with these eerie film images.)

My day yesterday started on a good note, as I finally, by a stroke of luck or inspiration, was able to schedule the ride to the dentist I need, to do preliminary procedures, in order to proceed with the other dental reconstruction project I’ve had scheduled for early January (it will take at least a year to complete).

Then I got to Avdi’s, where S was on extreme hyperdrive, almost like on drugs.  All day long he was racing and hurtling around, glomming onto me, and not getting worn out (though I was).  But in between manic frenzies, he and I had some interesting, serious talks about him, as he gains some insight into and can articulate what scares him and impels him to react so explosively.  We even discussed some possible strategies to help himself feel more secure.

The kids were a little sad that Chanukah was ending (mainly no more tchotchkes), but erev preps and the meal went well, beginning with E and I reciting the blessing over the candles.  It’s becoming a little tradition of ours.  Y and I were getting along.  S even ate some dinner!  Then everyone was in and out all evening to their various activities.  S and I played and talked and watched videos.  When he’s not imploding, he and I are surprisingly on the same wavelength.  He can sense when I’m arriving before he knows it, and I can often read his mind.

I actually slept well there, for a change.  I don’t even remember my dreams, which are usually surreal and disturbing.  S also slept long and hard.  When I finally got up, everything was quiet and S was a little calmer.

Then Avdi told me that E had requested to go to CRC services today, but that Jess had reported having a very vivid, distinct dream, almost a premonition, about a synagogue shooting.  Of course that’s not far-fetched, especially right now with the Israel/Gaza war.  I was very worried, and urged them not to go, but in the end, E’s good intentions won out.  S and I actually said a little prayer of sorts together, sitting on the kitchen rug like a prayer rug.  Jess came over and took me home, where I watched the service streaming, and even saw A and E dancing.

Ironically, the Torah portion and R. Randy’s talk had to do with Joseph’s dream interpretations.  He pointed out that the Hebrew words for dream and window are similar, and that dreams, though disturbing, can be like windows into what’s really significant and needed.  Anyway, the service proceeded peacefully, which was a relief, and many elements of it undoubtedly spoke to E.

All in all, an intense couple of days, but definitely a learning experience.  Now I’m at home trying to absorb it all.