Yesterday was disappointing for all parties involved. I went to Avdi’s to watch S while A ran many errands. He had to abort midstream because S had one of his meltdowns that I didn’t feel able to manage or contain. E helped, but both of us were frustrated.
It started over something totally trivial, but escalated into S becoming obstructive, destructive, and almost pulling one of his running away episodes (of which there have been a couple already). (Fight or flight mode.) Avdi had to come back and take me home as a consequence of S’s behavior, and then had to schlep him along on errands.
I felt awful, like a failure when A needed me most. Between S and Y and all the other stressors he’s dealing with 24/7, it’s too much. And I’m not always being part of the solution, because I’m inadequate to handle some of the extreme ND behaviors. When push comes to shove, I think I revert to my own lower brain fight or flight reactions.
Update: the consequences of S’s repeated inappropriate behaviors turn out to be an extended period without me there.
Today I needed the time at home, to complete a thousand different medical preparations. A book’s worth of forms to fill out online for a balance/dizziness (vertigo) specialist, Medicare plans for 2024 to compare and see if I can afford and if my doctors are in-network, rides to arrange for yet more appointments, it never ends. And that’s just for one person.
Tomorrow I have hematology/oncology to go to (concerning high white blood cell count). When do oldsters even have the time to try to be part of any solution, when they’re constantly being examined and diagnosed for ways to die?! At some point, I’ll probably just throw up my hands in frustration and f— all the doctors (not literally). Or I’ll just plain run out of funds.
Sorry about all the negativity. Too much real life.
(Arnold Lobel, Frog and Toad Together)