State of Suspension

You could say both S and I are suspended–he from school because of his uncontrollable pathological behavior, and I from coming over when he’s there for the same reasons.  The situation has escalated to a critical point for Avdi, and I’m in a state of limbo (suspense, as it were) until he can sort it out and get guidance and help.  I feel even more useless (though empathetic) than ever.  I’m hoping this crisis will lead to finding a workable solution for us all.

Meanwhile I’m just here at home, when I’m not at doctors’.  I have plenty of medical HW to keep me busy, mostly finding rides to appointments on short notice.  Naturally, yesterday’s hematology exam resulted in two more new appointments, one for a PET scan and one for follow-up.  As did the ENT exam–three Balance/Dizziness appointments, one of which is a three+ hour full eval.  I’ll be dead before they all get to the bottom of my various issues.

Since that wasn’t enough, I finally got an appointment for the latest COVID/Flu vaccines, almost two weeks out at the only CVS I can walk to.  (apparently distribution issues.)  From what I hear, the side effects from both at once are pretty nasty, so I’ll need a couple of days to recover, which I guess works out, since I’m basically quarantined at home for now.

really don’t want to be doing all the above full-time for the rest of my decreasing lifespan.  Going through it with my parents was more than enough for me.  If ever I needed to spend whatever time is left meaningfully and productively while I still can, this is it.  Once I’m diagnosed with things, no doubt it will take up even more of my time (and money I don’t have).  I’ll go through with the specialist exams, and of course the dental plan of action next year, and then consider and weigh the options: possibly prolong my life negligibly by living in doctor offices, or spend the time with my family and friends, maybe even being useful.

It depends how one defines “quality of life”.  Being kept alive is not the same as living.

(Arnold Lobel, F&T Together)






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