Sometimes life seems like one painful setback after another, coinciding for the harshest effect possible.  Nobody has died, yet it feels like a deep loss, with all the symptoms of grieving and hopelessness.  Still, maybe the unfortunate timing is for the best.

The unforeseen added delay to our qualifying for a home loan, on top of my family’s parting of ways and destinations, is forcing me to be brutally honest with myself, and reexamine my basic motivations for everything.  All the props and hopes fall away, leaving just the truth of things.  Better to face them and deal with it now, once and for all, not down the road.

So here we are, dreading another winter in this bleak place, with no certain destination after all.  But  we’ll use this setback to our advantage and resolve it one way or another.  We’ll make this work.  We don’t have the luxury of time or money for retakes.

Happy third to us.

Aleta’s Café (Yellow Springs) and we have the same anniversary (3 years old) so what better place to observe the occasion?  We sat by the open garden door where rain was falling on the ponds and perennials.  I brought my own YS Brewery brew.  We also treated ourselves to some metaphysical supplies at Ravenwood, and a movie at the Little Art Theatre.  As mentioned, life goes on and we’re not dead yet–just a bit stunned.

Tomorrow is our third anniversary.  Happy A to us.  It’s not very happy this year, but I guess we’ll fake it ’til we make it, or die trying, whichever comes first.  It’s not like we have a whole lifetime ahead to keep starting over with a clean slate.  It’s personal revision time, again.  Proofreading my confused brain, never simple.

Do not read much into the following.  Just a mood.  Deadheads will grok.

“High Time”

You told me goodbye, how was I to know
You didn’t mean goodbye, you meant please don’t let me go?
I was having a high time, living the good life, well I know
The wheels are muddy, got a ton of hay,
Now listen here, Baby, ’cause I mean what I say.

I’m having a hard time, living the good life, well I know.
I was losing time, I had nothing to do,
No one to fight, I came to you.

Wheels broke down, leader won’t draw,
The line is busted, the last one I saw.
Tomorrow come trouble, tomorrow come pain,
Now don’t think too hard Baby, ’cause I know what I’m saying.

I could show you a high time, living the good life, don’t be that way.
Nothing’s for certain, it could always go wrong,
Come in when it’s raining, go on out when it’s gone.
We could have us a high time, living the good life, well I know.

The Grateful Dead

It feels empty, inside and out.  Our delay here is prolonged, and we’re no longer sure of our final destination.  We managed to shove most of the boxes into the spare room, which looks like a warehouse.  But as always, the show must go on.

Here is my ginger growing, night and day.

Some night scenes.

Flowers and Skullies both seem a little down today.

The warehouse room, with E’s desk shoved in the corner.

My heart just isn’t in this, but we mustn’t lose hope.  All will sort itself out in time.  L’chaim.

I’ve had many instances of synchronicity in my life, and not all of it is what you might call “good”.  What makes it sync is the strange coincidence of random events coinciding as if orchestrated.  Which goes against my experience that nobody, Nemo if you like, is out there caring or designing anything.  It’s a howling vacuum of random chaos.  IMHO.

So these two unrelated events timing themselves almost to the day gets my attention.  Just as my main reason for wanting to move to TN is disintegrating, our loan approval date turns out to be in six months instead of this month, through no fault of our own.  So here we are, with all our sudden doubts about the Plan, faced with another half a year or more in limbo to ponder and rethink.  Things that make you go WTF?

I was so despondent yesterday that for the first time since we first started going to Equitas meetings, we chose instead to just get out of here and get a pizza and beer.  So if I’m posting cheery photos of a new pizza joint in Dayton, that’s why.  My life is not returning to “normal” any time soon, but still it goes on.

They make a decent Neapolitan wood-fired forest ‘shroom pizza and feature many local craft beers like Yellow Springs Brewery Moon Balloon (also some surprisingly sophisticated house drinks, not sampled).  It’s in an old renovated industrial space surrounded by same, but… different.

Lots to think about.  Needless to say, I’m trying to ignore the insanity that is the trump fiasco, and hope for impeachment.  That’s it for now.

I’m having a hard time caring about anything right now, but life and mowing must go on, even in a place you can’t seem to escape.  There are flowers, for what it’s worth.

As if things weren’t already sad enough, now we find out they told us the wrong date after which we could finally qualify for a home loan.  Due to a technicality, now we have to wait even more months to be approved, until December.  So we can’t start our house search until Dec., instead of next month.  I won’t lie, I am in a bad state of mind.  This was one too many blows, on top of others.  It’s like you just can’t win in this life.

That’s it.

I resolved to write every day, like it or not, so here I am.

There’s a lot I could say right now, starting with an F#@!, but it wouldn’t be constructive or helpful.  Some sad events are playing out that will have consequences for years to come.  Some hopes will be shattered.  Some lives are deeply affected and will take time to heal.  Nobody wins.  But life must go on.

Just never take anything for granted.  You can never feel like you’re home free and can finally breathe easy.  Life is one big moving target, and you have to stay prepared.  You can’t control it all, you can only take responsibility for your part, and be your very best, and let go of the rest.  Cliché-ish, I know, but probably true.

I’m like a thousand years old, and I’m still learning this, so I don’t expect anyone else to have mastered it yet, or ever.  Some things never get easier, but somehow they will get better.  I can only do my small part, and let the grownups do theirs.  I’ve been there, and can’t even talk, but you know I’m going to anyway!  But I feel at a loss for words.  IKR?

I’m very sad for my family, and just wish for them as smooth and peaceable a process as possible, especially for all the kids.

M-day: an artificial construct that brings out the best and worst in people.

E lost her whole family, whether to death or abandonment, and can no longer have a relationship with her mother, kids, or grandkids because of their hate and ignorance.  M-day for her is sad and lonely.

I had at best an ambivalent relationship with my mother, who now barely recognizes me.  Today is kind of empty in that sense.

On the other hand, I have a son whom I love, respect, and miss, and grandkids, same.  With all his worries and work, he still remembers me on M-day, and I am fortunate and proud.

E and I had great hopes of being a part of their extended family, together at last, and still plan to move down there, even with a new, unexpected twist that we hadn’t factored in.  Never take anyone or thing for granted, that’s all I can say.  So this particular M-day holds a lot of mixed feelings, confusion, and sadness.

Of course, many people have lost their mothers, and have to sit this day out, or hope their families think of them.  All in all, days like this can be fraught with emotional landmines.  Most of us are putting on brave faces, covering deep loss and grief.  We were all once children, caught in the middle, lost in the shuffle, falling through a crack of someone else’s turmoil or unhappiness.  We try to forget it, move on, but there’s always a price.  It’s sucky conditional human life.

I’m very thankful for what I do have, considering the pain I see all around me.  The trick is to keep making the necessary adjustments and adaptations, and put the best face on it you can.  Not an easy task.  Just when you think you can relax and take a breathe, life happens again!  The price of being alive and human.  Oy.

So honor and celebrate mothers, but be mindful of all the lost souls struggling without mothers or children, especially on a day like this.

I was saving this drawing for tomorrow (M-day), but feel like posting it today.  I’m also opening the V-bar early, if you care to join me.  Never too early to drink to kids!  L’chaim, to life.

Though I sucked as a mother, my son is an amazing person whom I love and respect.  He loves his own kids more than anyone I know, and works way too hard to make sure they thrive.  One day soon I’ll get to hang out with them all again.  That’s all I have for now.