This post is going to sound self-absorbed or self-excusing, but I’m just trying to self-examine.  Please bear with me.  It’s winter, and I can’t garden.

I follow several Black thinkers and educators, and some recent posts and threads got me thinking.  In a people’s resistance and uprising against this fascist takeover, what calling or role could I possibly assume?

Some would reach for the guns, which isn’t me (though I might fantasize about it).  Some demonstrate and protest, but I wonder if that only brings down more gov scrutiny and violence, which tends to be aimed at innocent people of color and immigrants who are just trying to stay under the radar.

Some confident and extroverted people become political leaders and activists (again, not me).  Some, more informed and articulate (and less nervous) than I, make calls and write letters that I suspect get ignored by these power-hungry repug so-called reps, or go door-to-door (scary).

Some get actively involved in or support community orgs that fight injustice and help victims, which is difficult for someone (me) without consistent wheels or any money.  No doubt some people are already taking in and sheltering immigrant neighbors and other marginalized refugees of the system, if they can.

The fortunate few are just saying fuck it and moving to a saner country to ride it out or just be done with the whole apocalypse.  Or at least enabling their children to move somewhere safer.  As long as such a place remains.

It’s fair if you think I’m just making excuses for my inaction.  Complicity is the last thing I want to be accused of, considering the historical implications.  But what role am I adequately equipped to play?  If push came to shove, would I have the guts to do what needed to be done despite the risk?  Or would fear incapacitate me?

I have to believe my revulsion at trumpian evil and injustice would prevail and incite me to action.  There is no other option.  But in the meantime, what am I doing to push back against the wrongdoing and damage?

This isn’t just rhetorical, but I don’t have answers at the moment.  I’m not looking for reassurances or indulgence.  I just want to  find out how I can be of service that will actually be part of the solution and not just make things worse or do nothing.  Until then, I’ll just keep writing my thoughts; working to create a beneficial microhabitat in which nature gets to live another day and help sustain the earth, with or without us; and being open to new sources of insight and perception.

Did you know you can comment on my Blahg?

Today was like a constantly revolving door of comings and goings all around me, to the point where I gave up trying to figure it out and just did a modified erev grab-and-go.  I did bake challot, but no one had time to try them!  I made wraps, which I did try.  Mostly I was being assimilated by Locutus of Borg.  Call me “4 of 2”.  Everyone but me went to a HS musical; I bowed out and went home.

First, a word to anyone reading this in another country or saner world.

Most of us detest and oppose what is being done to our country by MAGATS.  It’s monstrous, all the militarized fascist brutality and injustice being enforced upon all of us, especially marginalized people who have no recourse.  Considering the genocide and slavery our country was built on, and the racism and hate that continue, it’s not a complete surprise, but it’s terrifying all the same.  Many of us feel helpless to stop it, but some of us will not stay silent or complicit in the face of another holocaust.

We hope you who were once allies will understand we the people don’t all condone this criminal insanity.  Some like me, without any resources, feel powerless to take action and make a difference, but those who can are building resistance and preparing.  We do not support this depraved lunacy.  Please don’t write us off.  Thanks.

Ok, now that’s covered, back to dogdom.  Last night I stayed late while Avdi and Allie went out to dinner.  Mostly Loucious [aka Locutus of Borg] and I camped out on the sofa together.  At one point, Y and I had a little talk and worked things out.  Happily, Joyce dropped by for a little while and joined us, and made a doggy friend for life, especially when L realized she spoke fluent German!  Also, K’s friends showed up for MTG, and gave L even more attention.  L loves everyone.  Eventually he fell asleep on the sofa with me, exhausted from all the partying.

I always feel badly about dwelling on my own petty mishegoss (look it up) when the country and world are under attack by lunatic gestapo thugs.  I can’t garden to take my mind off things, despite it pretending to be spring, and I can’t just hibernate like a sane person.  The reality around us is so grisly and grotesque, it’s hard to look away, like serial murderers on a rampage, out of control.

I still have the car for another day or so, so I have no excuse to be a slug!  I’m even considering finally getting some provisions, now that I got “paid”.  I signed up for remote counseling (supposedly free through Mercy), which starts today, so I have to stay conscious.  Blah.  My exciting life.  Plus there’s Loucious to think about.

We’re still weighing the pros and cons of keeping Loucious.  There are a few cons to consider, but nothing that couldn’t be worked out or overcome.  Meanwhile, his absolute adorableness and intelligence are very convincing.  Just look at that frisbee face!

Allie is visiting from TN for a week, minus Billie the Dog for various reasons, but Loucious is filling in for her adequately.  Hopefully Allie’s presence will help cheer Avdi up.

It must be my bad karma coming back at me.  I can’t really argue with karma.  It’s like nature’s justice.

When I was young, my grandmother came to live with us for a time.  She was like a demented alien from another world to me.  I didn’t like her, and avoided her.  Of course I didn’t understand why she had to be there.  Eventually she had to go to a nursing home and die.  That was a grownup problem that didn’t affect me much.  Actually it was a relief.  Was I a sociopath, or just a pre-teen, or is that synonymous?

Now I find myself somewhat in the same position.  I try to be present and of use, but sometimes I think I’m just in the way, taking up space, being tolerated.  GKids are amazingly talented at making you feel irrelevant!  From their point of view, you’re just a fading relic, and they’re the present and future, which is technically correct.  And it is their house and their turf, after all.  Can’t argue with kid-centered “logic”.  They probably don’t even realize they’re being rude.

As the supposed “adult” here, I know it’s probably not worth taking personally or taking offense.  I’m pretty sure I usually take the higher road and be considerate, whether it’s acknowledged or returned.  I try to resist passive aggression and be the bigger person.

I think certain triggers revert me right back to that terrible time, my childhood, when my existence consisted of constant fear of rejection, punishment, not fitting in, and trying to be invisible.  Flash forward to today, and sometimes I feel either invisible, or in the way.  To be clear, no one is consciously or intentionally making me feel this way.  It’s partly just a corollary of aging.  But also I think I just react and relapse into defensive flee or freeze mode.  Or something shrinky like that.  Then I just have to go reassure myself that it’s just mistaken perception on my part, I still have a place.

So to not keep generalizing, I greeted a Gkid returning home as usual, they completely ignored me as they often do, but then barked “Nomi, move!!” in a nasty tone (I was clearing dirty dishes from the counters to the sink).  Again, I know it was probably just one of their typical “atypical” moods, unrelated to me personally.  But it threw me back into feeling out of place and in the way.  Not like when the kids are partying and gradually move into all the rooms left to retreat to.  That’s fine.  This is like questioning my own relevance and usefulness in being here.  So I relapse into ghost mode and make myself scarce.

I know this sounds like making a big deal out of nothing, which it probably is.  I’m just trying to sort it out.  Bottom line is, I want to be worthy of all my Gkids’, if not respect, then just acknowledgment.  Not that they owe it to me, but I’m trying to earn it.  Not sure if that’s possible, or if I even deserve it, given all the bad karma.  Anyway, I’ll be back as usual.  I always want to be there for my son.

I’m very proud of my grandkids tonight.  All of them had separate parties going on: E had multiple parties elsewhere, Y had several friends over, howling like a dog opera in his room (middle schoolers!), and K had herds of friends, upstairs and downstairs, in every room, playing various games, baking, and eating pizza and snacks.  I didn’t even attempt to count heads.   The thing is, they were all nice and polite and intelligent.  And K did a great job prepping and hosting.  It’s good to see all the kids making so many nonconventional friends.  It’s like a queer, neurodivergent safe house.

Most of all, I’m proud of my son for providing such a welcoming place, despite the fact that he’s severely depressed and overworked.  Both he and I didn’t have anything like that growing up, so it’s good to see him making sure his kids and their friends can feel secure and comfortable having a place to be themselves.  He even trusts them enough to hold down the fort while he goes out for some personal respite time.  That’s after wearing himself out cleaning, repairing, filling, and preparing to cover the pool for the winter, lugging the last of the heavy sukkah poles into the woodshed, shuttling kids around, and other chores.

Last but not least, Loucious was in his element–so many people to welcome and love!  It was mutual.

So…Loucious’ family has returned from Germany, and L. is still with us!  His final destiny is still pending various factors, to be decided soon.

Meanwhile, to look at him worming his adorableness into our hearts, you’d think he has always been a family member.  Even K, who has extreme allergies, has been assimilated.  E was afraid of losing him sooner, his being an older dog.  Y just wants more pets but not so much the maintenance.  Loucious doesn’t like other dogs, so that limits who can visit with their dog.  Then there are the inevitable expenses and other considerations.  It’s a big decision.

For erev Shabbat, there were no eggs for the challah, so I tried an experimental Sephardic alternative similar to pita or lavash, with aromatic seeds.  I made a chicken and potato curry, basmati rice and greens.  Everyone came to the table and seemed to enjoy it, even Y.

Avdi is going through extreme despair and despondency right now, so if you’ve been following this story, please send healing energy or whatever light you can.

Yesterday may have set a warm temps record for January.  It was freakishly warm, with a light misty rain that later turned into a short windy storm.  I was half-expecting amphibians and flowers to start popping out, it was so early springlike.  Which of course means it’s cooler today.

The dog’s family is due to arrive back today, but apparently Loucious is going to stick around…?  This whole doggy-sitting event has actually been part test.  The results will be in soon!  More on that later.

Another episode of musical cars will occur later today, but it turns out I get to keep the car a few days longer, while Jess is away.  Then I revert back to mobiley-challenged.  Of course I had zero money for grocery shopping while on wheels; it always seems to go like that!

I made chile for dinner yesterevening.  Is that a word?

Even though Avdi was exhausted, he still insisted on taking us out for our monthly date.  This time we discovered a cozy Italian restaurant, Trattoria Marcella.

When I say cozy, I mean it was packed on a weekday, as it’s apparently a very popular place, but with a warm, inviting atmosphere.  The food was more comfort food in quantity, less upscale but still good.  The drinks were excellent.  They had a very decent wine list.  The waitstaff tended to be older, and very friendly.  Avdi and I enjoyed “sneaking” photos of each other.  Also of this great polenta fries with mushroom sauce appetizer.  I’m starting to sound alarmingly like a food critic, so I’ll stop.

We were so full from eating only half of our entrees that we of course adjourned to the famous Ted Drewes frozen custard stand, my first time, finally!  I can see the appeal.  Next door was the little Ted Drewes museum and gift shop, where they let you bring your custard in with you to browse.  Avdi bought lots of souvenirs, including this STL shot glass for me.

If you’re reading this in the future, after trumpian monsters tried to finish off what was left of our world, please enjoy these little snapshots of us making the most of what was still around.

It was very mild and sunny today, so the first thing Loucious and I did was–you guessed it!  He’s a Frisbee Fanatic.

I’m not complaining, but does nature have to be such a damn tease in winter?  Half of me is longing to go back to hibernating, and the other is trying to refrain from doing gardeny things.  I have to keep telling myself, the nothing I do now ensures a healthier, happier ecosystem later.  I have to be content with indoor tropicals and drooling over my new Annie’s Heirloom Seeds catalog.  And playing endless frisbee.