you saw it coming.  i made a good stab at keeping up a cheery façade, but who am i fooling? the real me just keeps on turning up to make a liar of me.  anyway, you can’t say i didn’t try.

i can’t tell if craziness is giving me the nightmares, or the nightmares are making me crazy.   i’ve had them all my life, but these latest ones seem to reflect the dementia i deal with every day, coming to a night screen near me.  utter chaos destroying any semblance of order i’ve tried to impose on the surreal situation.  and family members, dead and alive, play major or minor roles.  when waking up is preferable to the madness taking over my unconscious mind, i know something is not right.  it’s getting harder to tell which one is real.  is this how it begins?

my mother has a doctor and drugs for every condition:  neurology, psychiatry, oncology, endocrinology, orthopedist, cardiovascular, gastroenterology, and on and on.  the primary care physician and i try to keep it all managed and maintained.  there are so many oldsters being kept barely alive this way, that the specialists must hustle them all in and out (after the obligatory waiting room century) like a revolving door. there’s usually no time left to allow a caregiver to voice a concern or ask a question. they’re not being paid for that.

meanwhile, of course i myself don’t have health insurance or even a primary care doctor of my own, so i just have to stay relatively healthy and sane for as long as it takes to see this through. emphasis on relatively.  after that, can you blame me for hoping to drop dead in a timely manner, and not replay this tedious series?  i won’t be able to afford staying on anyway, and neither will anyone else, so it makes it easier on everyone.

sorry, if you’re even reading this.  i just need to tell it like it is, before i lose it altogether.  now where did i put that other personality, the one who would normally attempt some levity at this point?  i seem to have misplaced it.  maybe it got lost in that other alt universe.  the one where the dead are alive and still demented, and the living are wackos.

well, nurse L42 has to go on rounds.  i’m in big demand.  my old neighbor needs me to take his blood pressure with the nifty electronic gizmo.  after i set out mom’s lunch pile of drugs. guess what i would NEVER do for a living?  i’m more like that legal lawsuit guy on ‘scrubs’.  the one who’s having a permanent mental breakdown.  somehow that show has become my fun default setting.