A while back I resolved to try to write in this journal as often as possible, not because I necessarily had anything to say, but to keep up my writing skills, such as they are, and to keep a personal log of this insignificant life for mostly myself.  If anyone else tagged along, all the better!

I try to keep a balance of being my real self, however boring and unsophisticated, and keeping in mind any others, present and future, who might gain some good from reading along.  Once in a while, the vile political forces destroying our world compel me to rant and rave a little, mostly from helplessness to do anything effective to help stop it.  Sometimes my own petty worries creep in to my narrative and I release pressure.  Mostly I just drone on and on about my favorite therapy and metaphor, gardening, with amateur illustrations!  Or what’s going on with the family I moved here to be with and hopefully contribute to.

Underneath it all, I’m working out my remorse and regrets over my confused, misspent past by trying my hardest to make up for it now, while I still have time.  I finally believe my son has forgiven my absence and failures as a mother, but I may never forgive myself.  I no longer try to blame everyone else and circumstances for my poor choices and decisions.  I just try to be my best self and mother/grandmother/friend now, however late.  Sometimes I’m still clueless how exactly to do that, but anyway, I’m fortunate to be here now.

And that’s why I keep this journal, as a record of one insignificant life amidst a backdrop of world insanity, and good people attempting to live in it and make it better.  You don’t get to choose your world, but you do get to decide every day to keep on living, growing, and refusing to be hopeless or apathetic.  That’s me in a nutshell.  Peripheral and ancillary, but determined!  (How you like them big words?!)

Thank you for your indulgence!  I now return you to the usual ramblings.

I got back in the traces, or harness, or whatever you call it, today.  I planted some new cilantro seed.  I tried again to hoe the concrete posing as garden soil, and discovered it really is like an impenetrable clay slab  just below the surface.  The hoe just bounces off it.  So I gave in and got out the rototiller, and managed to break it up into fragments and finally a thin layer of dust over the solid clay floor.  No wonder everything has such a hard time thriving and producing.  But I won’t be deterred.

More challenging than that is not being able to eat or drink normally because of my crater.  I didn’t even stay to eat the dinner I prepared for the family.  And I didn’t accompany them to one of my favorite places, Global Foods, but for a different reason–no money for food.  Man I’m pathetic!!  But the weather was perfectly gorgeous for working and walking, so I did accomplish something.

So now I have this open bloody excavation in my mouth.  I’m not allowed to drink alcohol for 7-10 days (the horror), or really bad things will happen.  Also I can’t eat most foods, only ones I don’t have.  Maybe I’ll finally lose weight.  I have another dental hygiene routine I get to add  to all the others.  I need a drink!  Just kvetching.  I still think modern dentistry is amazing, but not amusing sober.

Here is SlimeGuy.  It’s also how I feel before the dental drugs wear off.  ‘Nuff said on that subject.

I’m not supposed to do anything “normal” today, so here are yesterday’s attempts at focussing.  Can’t look a gift phone cam in the mouth.  Just like you can’t look in my mouth right now, not that you’d want to.

Yesterday I worked on cleaning up half the veg garden, including pulling this nice pile of green onions and leeks.

I’ve learned from sources who know that the reason MO soil turns out to be like cracked concrete, no matter how much organic material or water you add, is the same reason there are so many brick buildings—clay.  Lots and lots of clay.  It’s baked!  I can’t even hack a hoe into it.  So it’s not just me, it’s everyone.  Somehow I don’t feel better.

Sometimes I find myself outside the loop of the family’s ongoing emotional roller coaster.  I hate to see Avdi going through so much turmoil, but feel inadequate to help, even if I knew the details.  Just “being there” doesn’t seem very effective, but it’s all I can do sometimes, so I show up.  Later, I leave, feeling like a shadow.  I know it’s not about me.  So I’ll continue to show up and be there, and hope it makes a difference.

On a lighter note, something tells me Halloween is up next, at least going by the neighbors!

Y had friends from camp over for a sleepover, and guess who slept?  They did!  I, as resident “grownup”, couldn’t!  Go figure.  But that’s OK.  I’m glad Y has like-minded friends to hang out with.  At one point, they were all quietly doing crafts and singing in the office.  That was worth the disorder left behind.

As for me, here’s how I amuse myself: a magical lightshow in the night garden.  I can’t get enough of it.  Also, the butterflies are almost in focus now!  This year’s garden really was a butterfly/hummer/pollinator/bird magnet.  Also the rabbit with little bunnies help me weed.  So one mission accomplished, at least.

Today, labor day, I slept in at home and indulged myself with a tiny food delivery–including the luxury of cheap booze!  I labored for it.

Anyone who seriously gardens knows the garden is in fact one big metaphor for life transitions.  It changes with the seasons and moods.  It reveals where your mind is at.  It’s order vs chaos, control vs wild.  Managing all the unruly thoughts and uncertainties.  Dealing with impermanence.  Fleeting beauty vs death.  I could go on.  Fortunately for you, I won’t.  If you know, you know.

Shabbat happened.  K was emotionally able to join us.  Y again actually tried all the foods.  E was out being social.  A was tired and frustrated.  You could almost say our Shabbats are a gauge of the maturing process and progress of each family member.  Me, I’m just thankful to be there as witness.

Got a lot more done cleaning up the garden, though the photos don’t do it justice.  Much hacking was done.  I decided to plant some cool weather herbs like parsley and dill, also thyme, and realized–the horror–I didn’t have any more cilantro seed!  So I ordered some, then it occurred to me I could plant a few fall veggies for the family while I’m at it…and that’s how best-laid garden plans “evolve” and multiply.  So much for tilling the whole thing under as soon as possible.  I’m sure this too will change.  Depends on my mood.  Must drink on it.

Yesterday’s achievements were: mowing the lawn, continuing to clean up the veg garden, arranging (for Avdi) for a tree service to do some necessary major tree work, and the utility company to deliver free wood chips for me to use.

E made a fabulous dinner, and I made Avdi and me some well-deserved cosmos.

This little neighbor cat decided to visit and hang out in the front garden, watching blue butterflies with me.

As you see, this cooler weather has restored my will to work!  And lounge around outdoors.

Another productive day.  I weeded and cleaned up more of the veg flower border, the two beds formerly known as poppies and artichokes-turned-vol. tomatoes, the outer raised beds formerly pumpkins/melons-turned-weeds (sad face), and later began the job of hacking veg weeds.  Somewhere in there I made a colorful dinner.

Assessment time: some of my best-laid plans for this year were a flop, still trying to figure it out.  Apparently I can’t grow pumpkins, melons, and zucchini, which makes no sense.  The soil, no matter how much rich organic material has been tilled into it, turns to concrete, with that horrible crab-grass-like weed that can’t be pulled.  The weeds in general were worse than ever.  Even the tomatoes were weeds!  My healthy thyme actually died.  The strawberry bed is totally overrun.  And the tall native flowers I had hoped would do something this year disappeared into a forest of jewelweed.  Perhaps… there’s always next year?

OTOH, I surprised myself with all the cucumbers!  Even some eggplant.  The butterflies and finches and hummers appreciated all the flowers.  The human critters enjoyed picking all the colorful corn.  No lack of feral tomatoes!  The peppers and okra finally did something.  Some of the greens made it, before the bugs devoured them.  Most of the herbs did well, until they didn’t.  All things considered, we got some food out of it, even some excess to share.  I guess it’s always a gamble.  I still learn something every year.  For example, when your fancy heirloom sunflowers fail, just scatter wild bird seed there and get instant sunflowers!

Overall, not bad.