Being the grownup on the scene is hard work sometimes.  I’m not talking about the 16-year-olds holding their private party out back.  They’re fine.  It’s quite easy for me to stay inside and respect their boundaries.  It’s the younger kids who are baffling sometimes.

For example.  The youngest, S, could not understand why he couldn’t stay outside and crash the party.  People!  FOMO! Outside!  E very patiently explained that it was a private, by-invitation-only, teen going-away party for his friend C, located here because of the conducive back yard, and S needed to respect their boundaries.  Just as, if Y or S had a friends-only party, it wouldn’t be considerate for us to barge in just because of all the action.  A B&B is different, because we’re all invited and a part of it.

E did a really good job of calmly explaining and empathizing, better than I could have done, patiently hearing him out.  The whole time, S was standing there looking uncomprehending, not able to process the concept or articulate adequately what had him so lost.  E was able to talk him down, and S and I ended up doing some fun things together that were more age appropriate, and he was ok.  I’m actually curious to understand if it was a common autistic response to not being included, or something more complex.

Y, on the other hand, stayed holed up in his room as usual the whole day, until it was time for his scheduled tele-therapy.  I reminded him, as Avdi had asked me to, a half hour ahead and a few minutes before, which yielded the usual surly monosyllable, so I know he knew.

A half hour went by; then E came and got Y to go outside to see someone, not knowing about the appointment.  I stopped them and explained Y was supposed to be in the middle of the call, and wasn’t he?  To which Y, with characteristic indifference, replied, oh, I forgot.  He proceeded outside, then back to his room, no doubt disgusted at me for inconveniently expecting him to follow through.

I mean, I’m just the messenger.  I don’t nag, especially not Y, who will bite my head off if I even talk to him or look at him!

That’s what I mean by being the grownup substitute–I’m not an authority figure.  I can’t even visualize myself as one.  Other people younger than me are much better at getting results.  I was always under someone else’s dominance and control, conditioned to see myself that way.  Even at work, I couldn’t supervise or manage people confidently.  I felt like I had imposter syndrome.

But enough of that.  Just needed to vent to the void.  Have a beer.