“Look at our happy, well-adjusted 1.5 kids happily going off to school so we can get back to work!” is what you get bombarded with on social media this time of year.  Not so much do you see the single parent of multiple kids contending with severe neurodivergent conditions, under 24/7 stress and pressure, while trying to single-handedly work to support everyone, while severely sleep-deprived and socially isolated.

Few people can do much about ” Headed for a nervous breakdown, I just want to give up.”  The ones who empathize are eyeball-deep in their own crises, with no time or energy to spare, even if geographically nearby.  Or they’re irrational nutcases and conspiracy theorists.  Or, we want to help and are available, but inadequately equipped for the specific needs and logistics.  (That last would be me.)

It’s not the sort of dilemma you can just throw money or babysitters at, even if you had the resources.  What you need is partners, or clones, or nonexistent time for additional therapy sessions and meetings and support groups and paperwork, or drivers, or errand-runners, or house maintenance, or someone else qualified to manage a pack of crazies while you grab a desperately-needed nap or timeout with a friend.

No one human, even one as responsible, understanding, and long-suffering as my son, can carry all that alone for long.  It’s not humanly possible.  Our f—ed-up society puts us in that position and tells us we should be self-sufficient, then leaves us with no resources to juggle it all.  No wonder even conscientious, mature, stable, hard-working people like my son might be driven to desperation or feel like a failure.

Not all the meds or therapy or caring in the world are enough to make this problem “go away”.  It seems insurmountable, but I have to believe that over time, solutions or alleviations will present themselves.  I’m sure right now my son sometimes feels like he’s just treading water and barely hanging on.  I know I myself feel inadequate and not always part of the solution.  I’m just writing this to let him know he is seen and loved and amazing.

These kids were born after 9/11 so they don’t even remember it.  It’s history to them.  Now there’s a sobering thought.

I spent the night over Avdi’s while he was out.  The predictable tensions between Y and S erupted, but then somehow were subdued, and they quieted down for the night.  I actually got to take a shower and get some sleep.

My morning “alarm” was S standing creepily by my bed and announcing it was time for meds.  Still, it’s an improvement over screaming my name repeatedly, and you can’t fault his dependability.  Meds and coffee accomplished (respectively), he was calm for a while, before suddenly switching to grouchy whining again.  E (who was feeling sick) helped calm him down.

Next thing I know, the miraculous unthinkable happened–after Y heckled S for a while, they actually started playing outside together!  Avdi says it does occur sometimes, but usually Y is antagonizing and hating on S.  Then they were watching TV peaceably on the same sofa!  I couldn’t believe it.  All the above transpired before A got back home.

Avdi took the three older kids to a store they’ve been wanting to go to for costume ideas, and S proceeded to fall asleep across me on the sofa, without a bit of prompting.  We  were like that when the others got back.  I extricated myself and A (who was also starting to feel sick) took me home.  Hopefully we won’t all feel crappy tomorrow.

I think in general the kids are starting to trust me, and I’m starting to feel more at home there.  It’s good practice for a possible hypothetical future move to a house together.  I think I could adjust to that, if I have some privacy and maybe my own minibar!

I finally had my perio consult, wherein they approved me for implants (if the insurance covers it).  As with anything dental in my case, it will be another “12 step program” as I call it, a long, complicated, expensive construction project involving my whole mouth.  The less costly option is too horrible to even contemplate.  Besides, I may not live that long!

I just want actual functional teeth; you’d think such a basic human necessity wouldn’t price out most average humans, even with decent Medicare advantage insurance.  But such is our wonderful capitalist plutocracy.  Medical and dental care are owned and sold like a commodity to the privileged few, instead of being accessible to everyone as a human right.  (blah blah, life sucks.)

But keeping everything in perspective…while I lose sleep about my relatively fixable problem, my poor son is heading for a nervous breakdown (his words) from all the complicated stress and pressure no one person should have to shoulder.  Hopefully it won’t come to that, and solutions will emerge.  I try my best to help in backup ways, but the main issues are beyond my inadequate skills.

Try being a single parent trying to work surrounded by the equivalent of a mental facility (my words)!  And you’re the only one there who can address all the meltdowns while literally in the middle of business meetings.  Never mind managing a household or getting any sleep.  Even if the meltdowns happen at school, it’s still up to you to stop everything to deal with it.

Typical days may feature: a fugitive kid being chased all the way home by a posse of school staff and police, because the kid got mad or frustrated.  Or a kid screaming, swearing, and lying about HW so they don’t have to do it, or just being mean and surly much of the time.  Or a kid shrieking and shutting down for the most basic, innocuous routines, every time.  Or a kid curling up in fetal position from too many stressful stimuli.  Those are just the tip of the iceberg for kids with multiple neurodivergent conditions.

I get to retreat to my apartment sometimes to catch up on sleep (or worry myself sleepless) and write these simpleminded entries.  I feel like a slacker, but if I don’t refuel (or rest my deviant leg) I won’t be of any use to Avdi.  And he needs what little help I can provide more than ever.  (Retirement is a delusion anyway; it’s either becoming flabby and sluggish until you die, or trying to hurry and catch up on all the real living you had to give up while slaving away your life to survive.  Just my opinion.)

I feel fortunate each day I’m given to keep learning and growing and trying to be useful, after all the squandering of opportunities I did in the bad old days.  One day at a time is literally all I’ve got now, so I try to use it wisely, for a change, and try not to panic about what ifs.

I try to ignore aging annoyances and just proceed, but my karma has different ideas sometimes.

That old leg injury is coming back to haunt me, and makes moving forward literally difficult.  But I’m determined not to be one of those old hags whining about symptoms, so I’ll limp through it with makeshift first aid helpfully provided by my son, and hope it subsides so I can resume being semi-useful.

Aging is like an obstacle course to be navigated and doggedly beaten.  Such a nuisance.  I give it the finger.  (Ironically, a crooked finger from another old stupid injury that wasn’t splinted properly.  Don’t ask!)

Moving on (so-to-speak) to pleasanter topics, here are some photos I took after walking to Avdi’s and before becoming a non-ambulatory slacker.

I’ve been here officially one year, and it continues to be eventful and educational.  I even got to have an actual Labor Day “weekend”.  It would be so easy to just slip into “no you just go on without me” mode, but I’m finding it’s much more fun to risk trying new things, which it’s easy to do in St. Louis.

Saturday, we all went to a BBQ at Goblin’s in the city.  It was an interesting cross-section of diversity, for lack of a better word.  His friends represented an inclusive spectrum, or varied spectrums would be more accurate.  I dove right into socializing with grownups!  The food was amazing.  The only downside was, there were no other kids for Avdi’s to meet, so they weren’t as comfortable.  For me, it was kind of revelatory, that in the heart of a very repressive state like MO, St. Louis is full of oases and neighborhoods of black and queer and divergent people living safely and normally together.

Then yesterday, some of us went to Paint Louis, a huge graffiti festival downtown near the Arch, while E spent the day with friends at MOBOT’s annual Japanese Festival.  We parked under elevated railroad bridges where both Amtrak and freight trains were reversing onto different tracks overhead.  Graffiti artists and young aspiring painters of all ages and colors were turning every surface into creative, complex works of art.  Y and S (and even I) got to try it out for the first time!  There was music, hiphop competitions, food and vendors.  I love that instead of discouraging and destroying graffiti, the city encourages turning a dusty, decaying part of town into a proud, free community art project.  For some it might be very low-brow and dirty, but I was glad I got to witness and even take part in it.

Later we met and picked up E near MOBOT.  They had a long but successful day mostly on their own, which is a big accomplishment for them.  Then we all went to Global Foods, where the kids had a blast shopping.  Even not buying stuff myself, I always enjoy exploring all the international aisles and shoppers representing a large cross-section of the world in STL.  It really is a major crossroads city.

Today I’m just at home resting my old leg injury (and the rest of me) from all the walking.  Even the guilty pleasure of sleeping in makes it seem like a long weekend.

It was just a matter of time, and nothing that the school wasn’t forewarned about.  Still, it startled me when suddenly S showed up at Avdi’s in the middle of the day, all out of breath, unable to talk, and trying to lock all the doors.  Half a dozen school personnel ran or drove after him, and caught up with him at the house.  Even a cop showed up.  It was like a fugitive chase scene.

Everyone was very concerned, and talked to him, reassuring him that there’s always a place he can go and talk to someone and they’ll understand, rather than just run from school when he’s frustrated or angry.  Eventually things calmed down, the squad dispersed, and Avdi walked S back to school and talked to people.  They’ll try to work on a new strategy.

It’s not the first time S has pulled something like this, but it was still pretty disconcerting.  He himself doesn’t seem to know what’s happening or why.  I was impressed with the caliber and understanding of the school staffers, who obviously have dealt with ND kids.

The rest of the day went less eventfully, with the usual erev preps, until E and Y came home, hating each other’s guts over a typical misunderstanding.  E was fuming, and went out to climb a tree, their way of diffusing.  Y continued to sulk.  Eventually everyone settled down and talked about it.  But then Y got insulted again and locked themself in their room.  Just another day at Avdi’s.  Most of us did manage to enjoy dinner together, once we played political musical chairs again.  S was his usual self, as if nothing unusual had happened, though he doesn’t forget anything.

On the positive side, it was so nice out, Avdi opened all the windows, for a change.  Joyce came over, and we drank fancy G&Ts.  Later, I walked home and petted lots of doggies on the way.  Not a boring day, at least!