This new med has some unpleasant side effects, which I won’t go into in detail! I barely slept all night, and feel like a zombie. I’m still anxious about things I have little control over, like getting myself to appointments, and not becoming dependent, but also too groggy to motivate, or operate machinery.
This morning I managed to water the garden, give the spinach a haircut and sort it, and pick peas, but that’s about it so far. Sometimes I forget it’s OK to observe Shabbat (in this case Shavuot as well) and give it a rest. I feel like I always have to be accomplishing something, or I’m just taking up space.
This must be one of those two paths diverging moments in a life. Part of you feels like resigning yourself to reality and fatalism; the other part wants to resist and fight to retain your self-worth and purpose. One half is anxious and fearful of new challenges, the other knows it’s essential to embrace them in order to keep living. Some people just give up and die inside at this point. Others refuse to give in. I’m trying to be the latter, but some days it’s harder than others.
Or maybe it’s just the meds talking! I haven’t reached the side effect of suicide yet, so that’s something!
Vegetating does have its appeal sometimes, though. Here’s an illustration: