I always feel badly about dwelling on my own petty mishegoss (look it up) when the country and world are under attack by lunatic gestapo thugs.  I can’t garden to take my mind off things, despite it pretending to be spring, and I can’t just hibernate like a sane person.  The reality around us is so grisly and grotesque, it’s hard to look away, like serial murderers on a rampage, out of control.

I still have the car for another day or so, so I have no excuse to be a slug!  I’m even considering finally getting some provisions, now that I got “paid”.  I signed up for remote counseling (supposedly free through Mercy), which starts today, so I have to stay conscious.  Blah.  My exciting life.  Plus there’s Loucious to think about.

We’re still weighing the pros and cons of keeping Loucious.  There are a few cons to consider, but nothing that couldn’t be worked out or overcome.  Meanwhile, his absolute adorableness and intelligence are very convincing.  Just look at that frisbee face!

Allie is visiting from TN for a week, minus Billie the Dog for various reasons, but Loucious is filling in for her adequately.  Hopefully Allie’s presence will help cheer Avdi up.

It must be my bad karma coming back at me.  I can’t really argue with karma.  It’s like nature’s justice.

When I was young, my grandmother came to live with us for a time.  She was like a demented alien from another world to me.  I didn’t like her, and avoided her.  Of course I didn’t understand why she had to be there.  Eventually she had to go to a nursing home and die.  That was a grownup problem that didn’t affect me much.  Actually it was a relief.  Was I a sociopath, or just a pre-teen, or is that synonymous?

Now I find myself somewhat in the same position.  I try to be present and of use, but sometimes I think I’m just in the way, taking up space, being tolerated.  GKids are amazingly talented at making you feel irrelevant!  From their point of view, you’re just a fading relic, and they’re the present and future, which is technically correct.  And it is their house and their turf, after all.  Can’t argue with kid-centered “logic”.  They probably don’t even realize they’re being rude.

As the supposed “adult” here, I know it’s probably not worth taking personally or taking offense.  I’m pretty sure I usually take the higher road and be considerate, whether it’s acknowledged or returned.  I try to resist passive aggression and be the bigger person.

I think certain triggers revert me right back to that terrible time, my childhood, when my existence consisted of constant fear of rejection, punishment, not fitting in, and trying to be invisible.  Flash forward to today, and sometimes I feel either invisible, or in the way.  To be clear, no one is consciously or intentionally making me feel this way.  It’s partly just a corollary of aging.  But also I think I just react and relapse into defensive flee or freeze mode.  Or something shrinky like that.  Then I just have to go reassure myself that it’s just mistaken perception on my part, I still have a place.

So to not keep generalizing, I greeted a Gkid returning home as usual, they completely ignored me as they often do, but then barked “Nomi, move!!” in a nasty tone (I was clearing dirty dishes from the counters to the sink).  Again, I know it was probably just one of their typical “atypical” moods, unrelated to me personally.  But it threw me back into feeling out of place and in the way.  Not like when the kids are partying and gradually move into all the rooms left to retreat to.  That’s fine.  This is like questioning my own relevance and usefulness in being here.  So I relapse into ghost mode and make myself scarce.

I know this sounds like making a big deal out of nothing, which it probably is.  I’m just trying to sort it out.  Bottom line is, I want to be worthy of all my Gkids’, if not respect, then just acknowledgment.  Not that they owe it to me, but I’m trying to earn it.  Not sure if that’s possible, or if I even deserve it, given all the bad karma.  Anyway, I’ll be back as usual.  I always want to be there for my son.

I’m very proud of my grandkids tonight.  All of them had separate parties going on: E had multiple parties elsewhere, Y had several friends over, howling like a dog opera in his room (middle schoolers!), and K had herds of friends, upstairs and downstairs, in every room, playing various games, baking, and eating pizza and snacks.  I didn’t even attempt to count heads.   The thing is, they were all nice and polite and intelligent.  And K did a great job prepping and hosting.  It’s good to see all the kids making so many nonconventional friends.  It’s like a queer, neurodivergent safe house.

Most of all, I’m proud of my son for providing such a welcoming place, despite the fact that he’s severely depressed and overworked.  Both he and I didn’t have anything like that growing up, so it’s good to see him making sure his kids and their friends can feel secure and comfortable having a place to be themselves.  He even trusts them enough to hold down the fort while he goes out for some personal respite time.  That’s after wearing himself out cleaning, repairing, filling, and preparing to cover the pool for the winter, lugging the last of the heavy sukkah poles into the woodshed, shuttling kids around, and other chores.

Last but not least, Loucious was in his element–so many people to welcome and love!  It was mutual.

So…Loucious’ family has returned from Germany, and L. is still with us!  His final destiny is still pending various factors, to be decided soon.

Meanwhile, to look at him worming his adorableness into our hearts, you’d think he has always been a family member.  Even K, who has extreme allergies, has been assimilated.  E was afraid of losing him sooner, his being an older dog.  Y just wants more pets but not so much the maintenance.  Loucious doesn’t like other dogs, so that limits who can visit with their dog.  Then there are the inevitable expenses and other considerations.  It’s a big decision.

For erev Shabbat, there were no eggs for the challah, so I tried an experimental Sephardic alternative similar to pita or lavash, with aromatic seeds.  I made a chicken and potato curry, basmati rice and greens.  Everyone came to the table and seemed to enjoy it, even Y.

Avdi is going through extreme despair and despondency right now, so if you’ve been following this story, please send healing energy or whatever light you can.

Yesterday may have set a warm temps record for January.  It was freakishly warm, with a light misty rain that later turned into a short windy storm.  I was half-expecting amphibians and flowers to start popping out, it was so early springlike.  Which of course means it’s cooler today.

The dog’s family is due to arrive back today, but apparently Loucious is going to stick around…?  This whole doggy-sitting event has actually been part test.  The results will be in soon!  More on that later.

Another episode of musical cars will occur later today, but it turns out I get to keep the car a few days longer, while Jess is away.  Then I revert back to mobiley-challenged.  Of course I had zero money for grocery shopping while on wheels; it always seems to go like that!

I made chile for dinner yesterevening.  Is that a word?

Even though Avdi was exhausted, he still insisted on taking us out for our monthly date.  This time we discovered a cozy Italian restaurant, Trattoria Marcella.

When I say cozy, I mean it was packed on a weekday, as it’s apparently a very popular place, but with a warm, inviting atmosphere.  The food was more comfort food in quantity, less upscale but still good.  The drinks were excellent.  They had a very decent wine list.  The waitstaff tended to be older, and very friendly.  Avdi and I enjoyed “sneaking” photos of each other.  Also of this great polenta fries with mushroom sauce appetizer.  I’m starting to sound alarmingly like a food critic, so I’ll stop.

We were so full from eating only half of our entrees that we of course adjourned to the famous Ted Drewes frozen custard stand, my first time, finally!  I can see the appeal.  Next door was the little Ted Drewes museum and gift shop, where they let you bring your custard in with you to browse.  Avdi bought lots of souvenirs, including this STL shot glass for me.

If you’re reading this in the future, after trumpian monsters tried to finish off what was left of our world, please enjoy these little snapshots of us making the most of what was still around.

It was very mild and sunny today, so the first thing Loucious and I did was–you guessed it!  He’s a Frisbee Fanatic.

I’m not complaining, but does nature have to be such a damn tease in winter?  Half of me is longing to go back to hibernating, and the other is trying to refrain from doing gardeny things.  I have to keep telling myself, the nothing I do now ensures a healthier, happier ecosystem later.  I have to be content with indoor tropicals and drooling over my new Annie’s Heirloom Seeds catalog.  And playing endless frisbee.

One would almost think we have been assimilated into the Dog Borg, looking at these photos.

Avdi made this great bruschetta for our family meeting, which everyone attended, including Loucious.

The train is now installed up on the shelf in Avdi’s office.

This fine and worthwhile classic train model, based on an actual train at the Museum of Transportation, was completed by Avdi!  It’s also a good homonym for all the training and education I continue to receive from the Avdi’s even at this late stage.  If you stop learning, you may as well be dead, in a manner of speaking.  Here are a few recent examples.

AI: It was brought to my attention (by my son, which I appreciate) that many of the stories and photos on social media (FB) are not sourced from legit references or documentation, and share similar styles because they’re AI-generated.  The average person (me for example) can easily be taken in by the clickbait, human interest appeal and not realize they are being conditioned to mistake fabrication for facts.  It seems innocent and genuine, reinforcing your point of view, when in fact it may be counterfeit and misleading.  Think of the implications.

Dogs: Once the novelty wears off, and the daily responsibility kicks in, much as with children, a dog member of the family really sorts out who is committed to the ongoing caregiving and maintenance, and who will lose interest and leave it to others.  These “others” may legit have other time-consuming priorities (like school or work), or limitations (like mobility), and not consistently be available.  Then the cuteness gives way to an onerous chore or inconvenience.  It’s a good test of your capability as a cooperating unit to provide an appropriate longterm commitment.

Assuming: Never Assume!  Anything!  We all do it.  The more people, the more assumptions.  The opposite of assumption is communication.  “Assume” nothing and directly state your needs, intentions, schedule, plans, etc. in a timely manner, and make sure you were clearly understood.  It’s easy to get busy and distracted and think you made yourself clear, but neglected to.  No judgement here; it’s such a common oversight to make.  We’re all constantly learning that in a large group, communicating needs ahead saves a lot of annoyance and inconvenience later.  This is meant for myself as much as anyone.

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Those are just a few recent ones.  Living in a group can be complex, but totally worth it.  It’s a microcosm of the world.  So many different individual needs and views and room for growth.  If you can learn to function in a large family or group, you can learn to adapt to anything.  That’s why the isolated “nuclear family” construct is flawed and artificial.  Humans can’t thrive indefinitely in that model.  You need a support network or pack, where everyone has a role and picks up the slack, and the weak members have a secure human safety net.

A good erev Shabbat was had.  Stacey made another great challah (I think she may win challah wars if we have one).  Then she spent much of the day shuttling kids to things, which is a huge help.

Next in the kitchen, I made Cajun-rubbed tilapia to go with the leftover beans, rice, greens, and carrots.  We actually had a full table with everyone there.  Loucious got to sample some challah and agreed it was very good.  He’s earned extra treats being such a good and talented doggy.

S&S departed today.  This year they’ll be working on moving here to STL, nearby where they can be in the WGSD and help out.  I think we could win the award for weird nonconventional extended family least likely to function but doing it anyway!