It must be my bad karma coming back at me.  I can’t really argue with karma.  It’s like nature’s justice.

When I was young, my grandmother came to live with us for a time.  She was like a demented alien from another world to me.  I didn’t like her, and avoided her.  Of course I didn’t understand why she had to be there.  Eventually she had to go to a nursing home and die.  That was a grownup problem that didn’t affect me much.  Actually it was a relief.  Was I a sociopath, or just a pre-teen, or is that synonymous?

Now I find myself somewhat in the same position.  I try to be present and of use, but sometimes I think I’m just in the way, taking up space, being tolerated.  GKids are amazingly talented at making you feel irrelevant!  From their point of view, you’re just a fading relic, and they’re the present and future, which is technically correct.  And it is their house and their turf, after all.  Can’t argue with kid-centered “logic”.  They probably don’t even realize they’re being rude.

As the supposed “adult” here, I know it’s probably not worth taking personally or taking offense.  I’m pretty sure I usually take the higher road and be considerate, whether it’s acknowledged or returned.  I try to resist passive aggression and be the bigger person.

I think certain triggers revert me right back to that terrible time, my childhood, when my existence consisted of constant fear of rejection, punishment, not fitting in, and trying to be invisible.  Flash forward to today, and sometimes I feel either invisible, or in the way.  To be clear, no one is consciously or intentionally making me feel this way.  It’s partly just a corollary of aging.  But also I think I just react and relapse into defensive flee or freeze mode.  Or something shrinky like that.  Then I just have to go reassure myself that it’s just mistaken perception on my part, I still have a place.

So to not keep generalizing, I greeted a Gkid returning home as usual, they completely ignored me as they often do, but then barked “Nomi, move!!” in a nasty tone (I was clearing dirty dishes from the counters to the sink).  Again, I know it was probably just one of their typical “atypical” moods, unrelated to me personally.  But it threw me back into feeling out of place and in the way.  Not like when the kids are partying and gradually move into all the rooms left to retreat to.  That’s fine.  This is like questioning my own relevance and usefulness in being here.  So I relapse into ghost mode and make myself scarce.

I know this sounds like making a big deal out of nothing, which it probably is.  I’m just trying to sort it out.  Bottom line is, I want to be worthy of all my Gkids’, if not respect, then just acknowledgment.  Not that they owe it to me, but I’m trying to earn it.  Not sure if that’s possible, or if I even deserve it, given all the bad karma.  Anyway, I’ll be back as usual.  I always want to be there for my son.