Those of us who are no stranger to clinical depression recognize symptoms like loss of interest in all the things that used to give your life meaning and depth. You’re too busy just surviving and trying to find a reason to keep moving forward to indulge in “non-essentials” like reading, writing, music, connecting to people, enjoying nature, or just taking time to think and recover your essential self. I’ve been there for quite a while.
It’s funny how one minor circumstance can flip a switch and remind you of all those pieces of you gathering dust and diminishing. I guess it was something so mundane as finally having a place to display my old keepsakes that had been languishing in storage for years. Maybe it was a symbol for something deeper. Next thing I knew, I was cleaning out and organizing my desk and office furniture, filing all my papers, and then it hit me–music. I haven’t listened to my music for years. Just like reading, it has sadly fallen by the wayside. I used to create whole worlds of imagination around me in my mind, but not for a long time now. I’ve been existing.
I’ve been thinking about habits vs. goals a lot lately. Long-term goals (“dreams”) can fall flat because we’re human, and circumstances change drastically. Whereas small, manageable daily habits can gradually rebuild your quality of life in the present. You have to start very small and realistically, giving each step at least a month to become habitual, then gradually build onto that foundation. You have to be very patient with yourself, because new healthy habits take time replacing self-destructive ones. But it’s never too late to start somewhere. You don’t have to resign yourself to what’s past.
Anyway, I’m not back by any means, but I feel a little different, as if some good part of me hasn’t been lost forever, but can still be retrieved. I have a very modest, unambitious shortlist of habits I’d like to work back into each day, if only for a moment or two. They are not resolutions, which are just unrealistic goals you can never reach and don’t really make you happy. They are simply healthy interests that got misplaced along the way. You gotta start somewhere. That’s all for now.
