looking back over my previous posts, it’s just as well whoever it may concern doesn’t get around to reading them. even with disclaimers, caveats, don’t panics, etc., it all sounds presumptuous. thinking over what led to those fantasy scenarios, my intentions were good. bottom line is, i want to be part of the solution for the part of my family that remains. and not just inadequately or reluctantly, as in the past or present. i want to play a proactive role of facilitator. i guess the presumptuous part comes in when i insert myself into their picture. it’s their future, and if i have any place in it, that is their call. so what was it i was thinking?

i guess i don’t know where i live or belong anymore. i had to leave behind a life of decades in one state, in the process losing most of what little i could call my own, hole up indefinitely in this state of corruption (NJ), and have no idea where i’m supposed to go after this. or if i will be able to afford to survive, wherever it is. so, yes, feeling a bit adrift, disengaged, and disoriented. i’m not sure that any amount of organized planning could have prepared me for this state of affairs. between the whole oldster dilemma, the financial crash, and me being the only logical recruit, it was pretty much a done deal. so much for well-laid plans, even if there had been any in place.

meanwhile, the rest of my family is growing up and positioning themselves to implement an intentional, sustainable lifestyle somewhere in the world. i may not understand all the positions they adhere to, but i applaud their nonconventional convictions and goals. the philosophical foundation may differ from ones i held to at different times in my life, but i recognize and support the passionate desire to create a good life on one’s own terms. so as mother and advocate, i try to imagine scenarios in which i can facilitate their worthy goals. if i could be part of their accomplishment, i will have done something worthwhile.

so, to sum up, i was thinking both as a backer/supporter, and as someone cut adrift with no rudder. so i put two and two together, and came up with an imaginary place for myself in the bigger picture. i’ve never had ambitions of my own. someone always called the shots and barked the orders, and i complied, or got severely invalidated. my goal became narrowed to finding some sense of peace and self-reliance, or at least not being a passive victim of other people’s irrational, arbitrary agendas. and here i am, futureless, trying to imagine some place for myself in other people’s futures. but i’d rather die than be needy or expect anyone to do for me what my parents expected of me automatically. just so that’s clear.

if i’ve learned one thing from this whole VOE experience, it’s that remaining adaptable and flexible over a lifetime is essential to survival. you can’t take anything for granted, you can’t take anything with you, and you must keep reinventing yourself. stuff happens, and you reshuffle and regroup. you can’t expect anyone to save you, but you can try to make life easier for others going forward. if they turn around and let you ride their current, it’s a privilege, not an entitlement. hopefully it’s never too late to earn their grudging respect. but better yet is mutual respect, with no strings attached.