like i said, you just never know…

two days in a row, it might be a trend. or maybe i’m under the influence of dead jams. that can do strange things to your head, man…

moving right along (‘further’, to stay with the theme) i’ve been shut down for over a year now, here in VOE exile. a relentless diet of d-words: dementia, decay, disintegration, death, despair, shall i go on? not very motivational. i got to the point where i just assumed there was nothing to look forward to, so why delude myself? just grit my teeth, put up with the endless grind, and try not to think. if you’ve never been here, in this situation, you have no idea how debilitating –another d-word–it can be. so don’t even talk, until you have.

but this isn’t about feeling sorry for myself. (though g-d knows i do it enough.) this is a faltering attempt to recapture some vision of life after nothingness that i lost track of somehow. as if there might be a brief window of life left between death-management of others, and my own.

‘…one more day i find myself alive
tomorrow maybe go beneath the ground
see here how everything led up to this day
and it’s just like any other day that’s ever been
sun going up and then the sun going down
shine through my window and my friends they come around
come around…’

an artist friend reminded me through music and art that it’s not over yet, so i have to give credit where it’s due. maybe this lowly writing attempt is my way of not conceding defeat.